Lightning Strikes Twice

Got a Visit Today

2011-10-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

This morning as I drove to work out a dragonfly very distinctly flew in front of my car. I had a thought that Claire was here. It was a bigger than normal idea that felt right. I wondered why today.
I work out in a church gym a few times a week. My 14 month old wanders around the whole time. He plays with balls and generally tries not to get clobbered by bigger kids. The cool down song is always "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry. Each time I lay there stretching to lyrics about a rainbow helping a mother know her baby is ok, I feel not just sweaty, but naked! "Not even gray but she buries her baby." I think, "Here I am. Not a stitch of gray. I recall the graveyard, the headstones. Just a cool song to so many, but powerful memories inside me.
My usual naked feeling today crossed over to sadness. Tears welled up and I felt so sad. I thought of Claire and missed her so. I felt the bitterness of having to let her go so soon after I had her. I stared at the floor and tried to stay stoic.
The next thing I know Trey is between my legs, clutching me in a bear hug. Then he lays his head down on my shoulder and pats my arm - PATS my arm like he's comforting me! And what a comfort a warm baby is when grieving the loss of your baby. I had a humbled feeling of gratitude for his little miraculous life. I thought that Claire was right there with me. She somehow communicated to Trey to love on me with those warm physical arms that she doesn't have right now. It was so sweet and tender, lasting several moments. Around me were happy, light conversations. But in my tiny space was ministering by an angel, my angel. I felt grateful she was there for me in that moment.
When I told my husband, he said yesterday while watering the yard he saw both a butterfly and a dragonfly in quick succession. He never sees them in our (dead) yard.
A few hours later I had something pretty serious rock my world. Without going into detail, I needed some bolstering. I got a blessing and part of it said that there are angels right now around me, participating in our situation. Instantly I thought of my daughter letting me know she was here today. There were reasons she was here, some I may never know fully. I felt so lucky. Most of the time it's a quick passing, a brush with something magical. But rarely is it enough to stick with me in a way that I KNOW I had contact with the other side. Life's just not like that. So I will hold tightly to today, and feel most honored to be a part of my family, both here and on the other side.

Claire's 2nd birthday

2011-08-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

We were in Colorado on Claire's second birthday. I was overwhelmed that it's been two years. I can't belive it. If time did not confirm this, I wouldn't believe it. Time in my life has stood still. I remember carrying her, feeling grateful each day as she moved, then worried sick when she stopped. I remember the progression leading to her delivery in the hospital all too well. The time with her, alive and dead, is too overwhelming at times to recall, though it is priceless for me.
When it comes down to it, I miss her. I had a relationship, subtle an unspoken, with her, and it's sad to go on without her here. I miss her little personality.
Luckily, we drove right by the graveyard on our way to Colorado. It felt really good to stop there. I certainly felt sadder this year than last.
I hoped to see a dragonfly on Claire's birthday, but didn't expect it. I guessed that being on vacation there would be a lot of distractions. Well, this is why we need our friends! My friend - who also lost a little girl, called me into the front room. She spotted the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen sitting right outside the front door! It stayed there for a while, when flew right at me before it fluttered around the yard for the next several minutes. It was really encouraging. Of course, I didn't get my camera in time! But, I cherish the memory, and it means even more that a dear friend looked for me. We all need each other!

Amaris gets a visit from her brother

2011-08-09T13:15:00.000-07:00

My daughter starts third grade tomorrow. She's been pretty nervous about it all summer. She moved to a new school half way through the year and had a hard time making friends, as well as a less than sweet teacher. She just found out that her new teacher is the "mean" teacher in the school! I'm HOPING that rumor is nothing more than that. But still, she was scared as we went to meet her today. Guess who sits next to my Ami? A boy named Porter. And behind her? A boy named Jackson. Her brother in heaven is named Porter Jackson. I smiled, feeling like he was letting her know he'll be watching out for her this year, maybe hanging with her when she's lonely. Ami feels much better about starting school tomorrow now! She's convinced her teacher is 99% nice and she's got her backpack ready and her clothes laid out!

Mourning Mama Gorilla

2011-05-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Blue found this most amazing story from National Geographic. A first time mother lost her two-week old baby.She wouldn't leave his little body. The photos caught were amazing. They show her grief, which I immediately connected with. But then there are photos of her community coming and sitting around her - at a slight distance, just watching, sitting. They are mourning with her! Wow, what a visual of "mourn with those that mourn." They are beautiful, though sad photos. I hope you get to see these pics before they are gone - they are so amazing.http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/05/pictures/110526-gorilla-mother-mourns-dead-baby-science-mourning-feel-emotions-animals/

Early Birthday Gift For Jackson

2011-05-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

     Hooray! Two days ago we paid off our car! We bought the car the day Porter Jackson was born - just hours before we went to the hospital to deliver. We'd sold our Sonata and felt such a rush to get another vehicle for this exciting third baby. It felt so odd, so cruelly ironic, to be escorted out to that shiny new vehicle when I left the hospital without Jackson. Here we were with a bigger car and a car payment, which we hadn't had in years, but no baby to justify it.
     My mom tried to be positive and say we would need that bigger vehicle soon enough - we would have other babies. Certainly no one expected the road getting there to be much more complicated.
     I've always wished to pay off the car. I thought earlier in the year, wouldn't it be cool to pay it off in September, a way of honoring Jackson's - can you believe it - 3rd birthday? But it just seemed like too much of a stretch financially to get it done. But, Blue got on board with me and his support and fresh ideas led to much faster progress than I expected. And two days ago, with the help of a small but unexpected bonus, we paid off the car! I know it's me projecting my own ideas about money, but I feel like Jackson would be happy for us not to be in debt due to him. I'm so giddy - like a kid at Christmas - to tell him that we are not! Medical bills are gone and so is the car payment. Now if only he could step in and make gas for the car less expensive!

Something to Think About

2011-05-21T23:20:00.000-07:00

“Should all prayers be immediately answered … there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life ...”

-Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle

Trey at 10 Months

2011-05-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

10 months

newborn

5 months

10 months

I'm so happy Trey turned 10 months! You know how sometimes we have strange thoughts that we know aren't logical, yet we give credence to them nonetheless? For me it has been getting Trey safely past 9 months. I think because I know two wonderful people who both lost boys to suffocation in their cribs at 9 months. I think of them so often. If it could happen to them it could happen to me. While there is not a whole lot of logic to this, I am nevertheless slightly less worried for my boy than I was even 2 weeks ago. And when he makes his first birthday, I will be ecstatic at hitting this other paranoid milestone!
It's been different, certainly, raising a preemie. A big struggle is his slow weight gain. He's pushing 16 lbs now, which is not on the charts for a 10 month old and about 5th percentile for his adjusted age of 8 1/2 months. Underweight babies don't sleep as long a chunky babies, so I'm pretty ineffective at doing more than the basics!
I think it is mainly to do with him getting RSV around 6 months. That's when he stopped eating as well. Of course, all his energy went to fighting off disease. From then on it's been a fight to keep him healthy. But, I bow to the shrine of probiotics, which I have been giving him for the last month. He has not gotten sick since on them (he was getting ear and sinus infections). I am hopeful that he will catch up soon enough and that it's nothing more serious. My doctor is ordering some tests just to be sure.
My family is having a ball with this child! We love on him constantly. I'm continuously surprised at the kids' patience when he's crying or needing something at the same time as they are needing something. I'm slightly surprised even at my own better attitude! I promised not to call him names when he was born - sound ridiculous? What parent would call their kid names? I know, I'm the devil, because I have! I remember when my others were little and keeping me up at night, or screaming in my ear, or making me late for some event, etc... I occasionally would let out a frustrated rant to them, knowing they couldn't understand. Or, I'd complain coarsely about them to my mom or some other trusted friend. But no way would I do that now. For one, I am more grown up! For another, I don't dare slap God in the face for my gift. Trey is a special gift, my life-saving gift, and I will NOT complain about the privilege of raising him (well, as best as I can!). This early resolution has affected the mood of our entire home. We are all more loving and happy. I'm so thankful for this experience of raising a baby again.
Where are Jackson and Claire in this mix? I think of them both every single day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. There are many thoughts I can joggle that don't cut me, and I have learned which memories are still too traumatic to toy with in a normal day. So most days, I have happy thoughts of them. I am glad to be their mother, I am glad to know them, and hopeful to get to know them better in the future. I'm curious about them. I'm slightly obsessed wondering what went wrong in my or my husband and I's genetics... why do some cords not develop right? What can be done to correct this? How can I help expectant mothers and doctors be more aware and careful so less babies die in the future? I really want to get some kind of fundraiser for research going in the near future. And I want to write a book about it too. But, all this has to wait til I am not so tired that getting housework done doesn't take all my concentration (has anyone seen my keys, btw? Or my phone????!!!!).
Several of my friends are due at the end of this month. Most of them have lost babies previous to this pregnancy. I am anxious for them and excited with them. Good luck! I can't wait to see these teeny miracles!!!

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to you all! There are, to me, no better mothers than those who have given their children back to their Father in Heaven. What a great sacrifice, what a hard road to go down. I love all the mothers who did it before me, even thousands of years ago, leaving an example for me to try to live up to. I look up to each and every one of you. Thank you for finding a way to go on and be happy, and for sharing your stories that help others, like me. Happy Mother's Day!

Donations from Claire

2011-05-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

Last week my husband and I ate sushi for lunch on his day off. He loves that stuff! When the bill came, there was a request for money for the Red Cross in Japan. There was a spot to write a name from the donor so we donated and wrote in Claire's name. I like to do that. It feels like she is living through me, she is serving on this earth. And it helps me gain valuable perspective when I am feeling selfish. Why not give money? I am not spending it on Claire right now. Why not give money that I would be spending on her to help others? She would like that. Don't parents enable their kids to make a mark on this earth? I love doing these things for my kids.

Salt River Sunday 5-1-2011

2011-05-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

We went to the Salt River last Sunday afternoon. It was beautiful and breezy and we all had a great time. As soon as we got there my son saw two dragonflies. Later, when Trey and I joined him for a hike, he spotted a toy butterfly on the ground. He was so happy. So was I. We both felt like the 'babies' were there with us.

I feel like my heavenly kids accompany us a lot when we go places together as a family. This trip was spontaneous and short; simple to say the least. But there must something significant about spending time with your family, because it's on outings that I often feel for a brief moment that my babies are by me.

To reinforce that, after we got home, my friend who I haven't talked to in almost a year sent me a picture of her with a butterfly fluttering just over her head. She said they seemed to love her hat and she thought of me. What a warm feeling I got when I got her text! On that day, after the other 'sightings.' It is usually not just one little spotting that I will get - there are usually at least three at one given time, which helps my faith that is is a message and not just coincidence.

I was especially happy Sunday at the river because my family felt whole, as opposed to earlier when we sat in church. Looking at so many unique, cute families, my chest ached. It felt like I was missing a very important part of my family. I missed Claire and Jackson. That particular pain lasted for hours. It's something I have learned to carry. Of course, Trey squirming in my arms certainly helped me ignore the empty place and get to work. I'm grateful for the reminder that Claire and Jackson still exist, and not so far away as I think.

my twins

my sorry attempt at a self portrait

toy butterfly found on the trail

Cracks

2011-04-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to post for so long. I read a quote about cracks and light and immediately thought of families who've been forced to endure the loss of a precious child. The magazine lay open on my ottoman for a few days, waiting to be transformed into something uplifting on this blog. Then I cleaned. The kids cut out pictures for their shoebox houses. I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to find that stinkin quote! I have about 6 Oprah magazines (recycled gifts from my mom) laying around and have no clue which had this perfect blog addition!
Fine! Forget it. If I spent half the time blogging that I do searching for lost articles, I'd have a book.
So here is the main point, in my own words and with my personal interpretation : Our hearts tend to be buffered, padded, locked up and hidden away from the world. They are like secret caves holding precious gems. It takes a crack in the structure to let the light shine in.
My heart has certainly been cracked open. But I hope that there is more light now, both coming in and flowing out of my heart now. This idea makes me smile. I think of it as a gift from my Jackson and Claire. I guess I needed their cracks to let some greater light shine into and through my life.

A Bereaved Parents Wish List

2011-01-25T11:42:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me this list today. What do you think? I am posting it in hopes it will speak to someone and make them feel affirmed in their feelings.
I miss my kids.

(Came across this on the Facebook site of Gail Mahar.... Thought you might like)

A Bereaved Parent's Wish List

~Author Unknown~

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had my child back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my Childs name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that my child was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears.

You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing my child’s pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for very long times so don’t frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't feel okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

Twins Remembered

2011-01-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

Dad, Mom, 2 yr old, and twins Georgia Haven and Jonas Emmanuel

My friend has a little 2 year old girl, but also miscarried twins at about 8 weeks. Her family remembered them at Christmas with these adorable tiny stockings. I loved this idea! I wanted to share it with others for future memorials.

The twins were 'born' July 2, 2010. "Georgia Haven Allen and Jonas Emanuel Allen are deeply loved and terribly missed. We look forward to the blessed day when we will be reunited."-mom

Their due date was, ironically, my birthday: Feb 5.

Thanks for sharing the great idea! We all who miss our own little angels are thinking of you during this time when they would have been full term.

Christmas at the Graveyard

2011-01-21T08:16:00.000-08:00

My good friend went with her family "up north" as we say in the Valley for a snow day for Christmas. I was so touched and appreciative that she stopped at the graveyard on her way home. She sent me these pictures. Said it had been snowing lightly that day in Rye and it only stuck on the graves.

Thankyou! What a special thing, especially when I was craving being near their remains.

Magic

2011-01-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

     It's 11pm. I've just put my boy down in his bed. He was "up" past his bedtime. But he wasn't really up, was he? He was sound asleep on me. I love that. I love that he's on such a good schedule that I lay him down in his bed awake and he just goes to sleep softly on his own. There is no trauma, from me or me. But I love even more that when he's with his momma he can break all the rules and it's perfectly ok. He'll fall fast asleep on me and not care at all that he's "out late" and possibly not even in a comfortable position.
     I love that today as my step-dad was drilling into my tile there was horrific, ear-cracking racket and Trey didn't cry because I was holding him.
     I love that earlier tonight when I turned out the light in his room after changing him and the house was dark, he just tried to look through the darkness inquisitively, not at all afraid. Catch is, he's actually quite afraid of the dark. Hates it. We learned that on Halloween when we tried to sit outside and pass out candy with him and he would not stop crying until we took him in. He reinforces this night-fear fact when he screams in his carseat at night but not during the day. That's why it struck me after the diaper change - we were in the dark but he didn't care because he was sitting up on my arm, perfectly natural, happy.
     I love this kid. I love each and every scenario. What does this have to do with Jackson or Claire? Without them, I would not be able to experience life in this level. They ripped my heart out. Shredded it (sorry, kids, it's true). I have never been so broken. But as I bet other baby loss moms know, these special babies don't just take. They give you something back; a new and different heart. It processes life more deeply. It can hold more of others' sorrows. It can swell with pride or happiness for the raw, human parts of life. My new heart beats heartily for my baby Trey, and I am so thankful for him tonight. I'm thankful to get a baby after the losses because I know what's important now, and I think it's helped me be a better mother than I was before. We have simplified. Continue to do so. We spend energy on the most important instead of least important things.
     What a special little guy. Does he know what he means to my family? If he could only remember life before he came he would see how much more angry and somber my son was, how erratic my daughter was. We ask our kids each day what is their favorite part of the day. Tonight my daughter said seeing Trey: "Of course that's my favorite part of every day- T-bone. He's so sweet!" Then she made funny noises to him and smiled and gushed all over him. He's like the ultimate cake topper to our family!

**Side note - last night I picked up a book we've had for years that my husband just took off the shelf to read. I read one page. There were two characters on the page. Can you guess their names? Jack and Claire. It was a coincidence maybe. But it was sweet for me. I love those babies. I felt a connection with them when I read that one page.

Trey is growing up!

2011-01-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report that for the first time in a long long time I feel happy! So happy each day to mother my boy. So happy to have him in our family, to see him light up my husband and kids with joy. I love my life. I love watching Trey, my miracle grow each day.
Of course, it still literally nauseates me to think of him choking on his cord, or of his brother and sister losing strength and health and dying inside me. I feel anger at the current OB world that won't recognize or research cord related deaths. I have to push out feelings of ache for my angel babies because wanting them here with me will only make me sick, since that is one wish I can not have.
But honestly, what a distraction caring for Trey is. I see his siblings in him each day and love on him more since I can't love on them. I love my boy!!!!

Grieving like a Tree

2010-12-19T08:12:00.000-08:00

"One of the things we learn from studying the growth of trees is that during seasons when conditions are ideal, trees grow at a normal rate. However, during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival...
What do you suppose pilots do when they encounter turbulence? A student pilot may think that increasing speed is a good strategy because it will get them through the turbulence faster. But that may be the wrong thing to do. Professional pilots understand that there is an optimum turbulence penetration speed that will minimize the negative effects of turbulence. And most of the time that would mean to reduce your speed. The same principle applies also to speed bumps on a road...
Therefore, it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions."
- "Of Things That Matter Most, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor of the LDS First Presidency

I was so grateful to come across this article this week. My mind immediately went to the last two years of my "hermit life." At first people understood the need to withdraw. But sooner than I felt I was ready, I was prodded to "get out more," or I was whispered about for not "getting on with life" quicker. It's understandable, I guess. We live in a very fast paced world where people moving on to the next thing is not applauded but expected. Also, I didn't lose a "child," right? I mean, I "didn't even know my baby." I cannot tell you the anger these statements create inside.
Reading about the tree rings explained my journey perfectly. It's nature's way to slow down in hard times. It's not about sulking; it's about survival. In order to preserve what's left after the storm, you have to slow down and nurture the essentials.
As I have been on the road of child loss for two years now, may I share with you my heart. Don't expect permission or even understanding for your actions now. Unfortunately, losing a baby is so rare (not rare enough) and so different than much of the pain society experiences, most people will ignorantly judge you from afar and certainly be more than happy to give their two cents. People naturally relate their own trials to yours, not realizing they can't compare. Some people don't see the power or devastation of this baby loss storm.
Do what feels right. I felt, and still feel, like the only way I can get through life now is to simplify. That includes my daily schedule. I don't go out as much. I don't answer the phone as much. I don't do anything as much. And while I am overjoyed raising my new baby Trey, still I have not felt any urge to revert back to my old life.
I loved reading about parallels in nature. I want to be like a strong tree someday, rooted and solid. But I've been in a drought for a while. Now is about focusing on essentials. When my life is over, if it is dissected, I hope there will be many rings; history of a richly lived life. The rings that mark the lives and losses of Jackson and Claire will no doubt stand out. They may look like profound times of weakness. But to me they mark when we dug deep and found the most strength we ever had. When starving, your roots drive deeper into the hard ground, where many around have never gone, to find saving water.
I hope nature can encourage you as it has me. I hope you who are suffering will be affirmed on your journey. I am sorry for our pain, but aren't our babies worth it? I love my kids! I am proud to be their mother. I love my whole family and I feel my angel babies with us and a part of us every day.

December 6, 2010 Candlelight Ceremony

2010-12-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

We went to Scottsdale Shea's 4th annual candlelight ceremony in remembrance of our lost babys' last Saturday night. We didn't attend last year. That time away left me really looking forward to this special part of Christmas. It was simple and beautiful. All the amazing parents and family members were sitting within a border of luminaries. Special songs were played singing specifically to our children. Yummy refreshments were set out (my daughter helped to herself to at least 5 brownie bites while we were talking with other parents!). Becky Norris, mother of Delaney and Laney's Legacy spoke to us. A few of the things she said really echoed my own thoughts.

Recapping her tragedy and delivery in the hospital she said she felt and Intensity of emotions she has never experienced before. That struck me. That's exactly it! I've NEVER, NEVER experienced pain like what crushed me as soon as we learned Jackson's heart was no longer beating.

With subsequent pregnancies, or following fatal diagnosis' there is a heightened awareness and hope for every kick and bump inside.

Leaving the hospital was one of my hardest days--it was terrible to see my baby go one way and I go another.

A mother's love never dies.

Loss is like a wound: at first raw, vulnerable, excruciating. But then it scabs over and daily life gets easier. But if anything provokes it, it's tender and the pain comes back like it's a fresh wound.

Sharing my heart and opening up about my experiences has opened me up to support and strength from others.

I loved seeing my dear sister in loss. She also delivered twice at Scottsdale Shea in one year (she lost twin boys and a little girl). Susan Friedlan served us both in the hospital and connected us. This year, we were both there with our little "miracle baby's." It was precious to hear them in the background cooing even as I cried. She and her husband are amazing. Every parent there and each one who's given back a baby inspires me and strengthens me.

Does Trey know how special he is to us? He was a little doll at the ceremony. Did he sense his siblings there?

I was, the first year I attended, torn up seeing families seated with us but holding their own baby. Now I am sensitive and slightly shy as we hold one, keenly aware that his presence there may cause pain to others. I hope he gives them hope. But I know nevertheless it's painful to see a little replica of what has been taken.

A reading from the ceremony:

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,

WE REMEMBER THEM,

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

In the blueness of the sky, and in the warmth of summer,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

When we are weary and in need of strength,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

When we are lost and sick at heart,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

When we have joys and we yearn to share,

WE REMEMBER THEM.

So long as we live, they too shall live, for they are now a part of us, as

WE REMEMBER THEM.

National Share Office

Moving On? November 1, 2010

2010-12-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

Grief experts say don't move for at least a year after you've lost a child. While at first being surrounded by painful reminders/memories drives you away, you may come to miss them if you flee too quickly. Our whole house is a reminder of our babys'...the kitchen where I tried to get creative with healthy recipes that I could stomach; the couch I camped on a lot; Jackson's well-prepared nursery, then Claire's more timidly prepared nursery, next Trey's "nursery" that was simply a junk room because we were unwilling to prepare another nursery. The bathrooms - we all know about those and pregnancy memories! The closet, where I frequently changed outfits as I grew out of them faster than I could hang them up. And for me, the biggest daily reminder of my life carrying my children-the staircase. Weird?

It was so laborious to get up stairs when I was pregnant. Jackson's giant feet were lodged under my lungs throughout his stay with me and I could never catch enough air. Stairs would make me dizzy! Pitiful to the normal person, but so it was during my pregnancy. I climbed and climbed, counting the days left til I would have my baby safely on the outside and be able to get back to racing up and down the stairs while cleaning up after my sloppy children. When the "safely in my arms" never came, the stairs became a memorial for my memories, hopes, and now cherished times with the little ones. There was not one day that I didn't turn the corner on my staircase and look at Jackson's precious photo on the wall with my other kids. Painful for a time, but I needed him to be there with my others. All too soon there was a tinge of guilt that tiny Claire's picture wasn't added to the wall. But she was so hydropic, a large photo might disturb people.

It was a year and 4 months after Claire died that we moved. (That's why I haven't blogged in a while.) As we prepared to leave, I grew emotional realizing that I was about to leave many tangible reminders of my life with my kiddos. I feel like the 5 years in that house brought nothing but pain with it. But then, for us who have lost our children so early, pain may be most of what we've got to hold on to. That doesn't sound right. What I mean is, though the memories of planning for, making (he he) and growing babies are now framed with pain, they are all I get in this life with my kids and I am fiercely protective of them. I have a terrible memory as it is, so I need all the reminders I can get. So while we were thrilled to get away from the shattered hopes and empty baby nurseries, part of me will miss that hallowed space where my children lived with us. That was their only home.
I love my new house. Losing children has changed me greatly. I no longer care for many things I once valued. We moved to simplify our life. We are in walking distance to my husband's work now. We are in a one story now! We are close to the freeway and close to the city. How wonderful to imagine that if I ever were in need of a high risk Doctor again I would be 10 min away instead of an hour! So while I am elated to "move on" and not get painful visual reminders each day, I feel quite aware of the seriousness of leaving our sweet babys' first home behind. I'm grateful that we kept the house (rented it out) - I'm not quite ready to cut all ties with my mecca of baby memories.

Graveyard Treats

2010-11-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

My husband went to our family graveyard where his mother and our children are buried on his way to visit his brother's family in New Mexico. What a special treat when he got there...

My mom and step dad had planted some seeds the last time they were there, hoping something would pop up. A huge sunflower grew right on Jackson's grave!

And look at Claire's grave - I was stunned to see a dragon fly right on her grave! It made me feel so happy. It seems like ever since Trey was born we are seeing, feeling Claire's presence. I thought it might be years before we got this blessing to comfort us. So thankful that we have these small "coincidences" to remind us of our family, that they are aware and connected to us and they are happy.

Trey's Baby Blessing- Oct 18, 2010

2010-10-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

My mom made him his blessing outfit. It will be special for him to always treasure it, knowing it was handcrafted by his grandmother who loves him so much. Also, his Aunt made him the little white tie to go with it! SO nice of her, because I wanted to make him one, but we all know that if I don't even keep up on the blog I certainly won't take time to make a tie from scratch!

Most of our family was able to be there for it and we were really grateful. An LDS baby blessing is a short prayer-like ceremony where the dad, surrounded by men close to him and the baby, officially gives the baby a name and then follows it with a blessing for his/her life ahead. It's usually done closer to birth, but we didn't want to take Trey to church (tons of germs) until a few weeks ago so his was slightly delayed.

The blessing was short and sweet, as they say. It was so wonderful to sit there listening and know it was for my own child. It's been so long...

We gave Claire a name and blessing in the hospital. It was just me, her dad and her grandfather. I'm grateful we were able to do that, as poor Jackson missed out on this rite of passage. But how much sweeter to offer a blessing on a life ahead here on earth rather than one passed already into a vague, timeless place we can't see much of.

Usually I cry at blessings. It's just hard. I am so happy for family's to grow and have that special experience, but it only brings back the horrible deaths of my children and what they missed out on. This time I did not cry! You'd think I would, but no. I am so happy to have him here and be able to give this to him that any type of tears were kept far away last Sunday.

My husband was thoughtful. He wanted Trey to have white flowers on his blessing day. With our first child, the morning of his blessing we came out front to a bloom of white flowers spouting from our cactus! We didn't even know that thing bloomed! But there was a sweet bouquet for our son on his blessing day.

Also for our daughter that cactus got sentimental and bloomed! Weird. It did it on Easter too...But that's another story. So my husband wanted Trey to have white flowers like our older 2. This was the only bouquet at the store so he bought it. Look closely at the two stems.

There was a pink dragonfly and a green butterfly on the stems. My husband did not put them there. It came like that. I took this as a marvellous greeting from Trey's older passed on siblings. I took it to say that they were with us that day and they wanted us to know. What are the chances? The exact symbols we see for each of our children on special days/times. The colors even matched their genders, as my mom pointed out. I am SO thankful for this! It does wonders to sooth my heart when I get small reminders that my children live and even more, that they are a part of our family still - an active part who want us to know of their presence.

I hope this little bouquet will bolster those who have lost loved ones and don't know where or even if they are. I hope you too will be given a sweet message some day that you will know in your heart and mind is significantly tailored for you. Family's are forever, no matter what size or how they look on the surface.

2010-10-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in forever. I know. I get flack for it all the time. Let me tell you why. My tank is running a little low. Having not slept through the night in almost 3 months, my brain is starting sputter.
Two weeks ago I took my daughter to dance at 4:45. Right as we pulled into the drive I remembered that it starts at 4:15. Woops!
I vowed to get her there on time the next week. And I did. As I drove away her teacher called. "Kelly, her class is tomorrow." Woops!
Last week I sent my husband to pick up my son from scouts at 7:00. After he left I started getting several phone calls from his leader and a few buddies. Where was I? I wasn't usually late. Woops! Even though he's been going for several months I suddenly forgot that scouts ends at 6:45.
What else?? Made a friend I haven't seen in forever wait for 25 min at our lunch destination because I was sure it was a half hour later than it really was...even though she'd sent me a text with the time that morning!
I cooked biscuits in the oven, then went upstairs to get my laptop. Ended up making the bed, cleaning up, etc and getting dry, burnt biscuits for lunch.
My short term memory is fried. I have had more late fees for bills than ever in my life. I may not feel that terrible, but my actions show that my body is wearing out!
So when I actually have extra time, I don't get on the computer. I clean. My house is nasty and has been desperately calling to me for a while now! A few days ago I took 8 bags of stuff to DI, a thrift store. That felt great. I already have another one full, and more to come. I figure if I can't keep it all clean/organized, let's just get rid of everything! I tried to convince my husband that the shedding dog should go along with the rest of the giveaways, but he's not convinced this isn't just 3 years of pregnancies and sleep deprivation talking.
The good news is that I really don't care that much about all my blonde moments these days. I hold my growing, warm baby and I am soooo thankful for him. I am so grateful he's with us. I see his siblings in him and think, how can they matter any less? How can the world think they don't count as much when they had the same little cheeks, or head shape, or feet, or brow? They are not lost to me. I'm so thankful to have their brother to raise. I can't express my gratitude. My priorities are so different than they were before I lost babies. Everything is more simple and clear now. Even if I can't remember most of it!

Dreams

2010-09-26T20:56:00.000-07:00

**We had a perfect little baby shower celebrating Trey. I will post pics and give details later. :) I'm so thankful he's loved and that so many people were rooting for us, and still are. We are blessed to have community, wouldn't know how to survive without it.

**I really REALLY want to post pics of all the ultrasounds I got that showed Trey with the cord around his neck, just so others can see and hopefully pay more attention to their own babies' photos. It's ridiculous how easy it is to spot even from the layman's eye, and on the other hand how hard it was to convince the doctors/US Techs of this.

**Did I ever write about how the night after I had Trey I had a dream where Blue and I were laughing deeply from our belly's? It was so poignant to me because since Jackson died two years ago I pretty much have nightmares every night. Every night, whether he or his precious little sis have been on my mind or not. It was SOO nice to dream happily, to feel such joy on a subconscious level.
     Unfortunately, even with my love and happiness expanding each hour I spend with baby Trey, the bad dreams have returned. It's more normal to have bad dreams than good ones, or none at all. Most times I wake up with the bad feelings still churning inside, but the dream content is hazy or at least nonsense.
     A few nights ago, I awoke upset, the storyline of my dream bright before me. I was nursing Trey in the dream. He was each time filled and each day growing. Completely normal. But then, flashes of his brother would pop into my mind, another tiny baby. It was not clearly Jackson-just a little boy baby. I would look frantically around the room for him but not see him. I needed to feed him! How could I have forgotten to nurse him this feeding...and oh my gosh! the last feeding too. He must be starving somewhere. Where was he? Then a friend would appear and chastise me for forgetting to nurse my baby girl. Yes, that's right, I had a girl too. She was even younger than the boy baby. She would agree that I was doing a good job with Trey, but what of his little brother and even smaller sister? Feed them!!! Take care of them!!! Stop forgetting about them!!! She told me she was feeding the girl for me but could not do this forever so I better get my head on straight and stop forgetting my babies. But every time I tried to find them in the house I failed. Then I would forget about it and nurse Trey peacefully as usual. Right at the end of the feeding I would remember I had two other babies; a small boy and smaller girl. No! I forgot to feed them again! And on and on it cycled until I awoke in the morning quite upset.
     Isn't that crazy? It all makes sense. It's so simple. I'm just surprised at the feelings of a failed mother so deep inside, and the worry for my babies. I feel obligated to care for them, to nurture them and some part of me still frets that I am not doing it. It's so weird to me. During the day I know they are okay and I think of them constantly. Never forgetting. And I am thrilled to care for Trey. But at night it's all a mess. I see how the heart beneath is still in shambles. Unlike most deep wounds, which heal from the inside out, I think baby losses heal from the outside in.

Trey's 2 Months Old Today

2010-09-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here we are. I'm thrilled that I've had my boy for 2 months, and elated that it feels like a week. It's all still new and fresh, maybe because while he's doubled in size, yet he's a teeny lil' thing, or maybe because I have craved a baby for so many years that I revel in each moment with him.
I love it all. Don't mind that I am fat and mushy. Don't mind that I can't seem to get my house completely cleaned in a day anymore, that laundry's out of control, that coveted crafts are getting dusty, that I am a 24/7 milk machine that must thrive on three hour increments of sleep. I love it! I wish you all the joy I feel all roll through me each and every day!

Trey's over 8 lbs now, I'm sure. I get his weight Friday...

He is a miracle. That he has grown so well and so quickly with just me and my unrestrained diet is a marvel. He had no chance, with the cord tightly wrapped around his neck 6 times and multiple times around his body on top of that. But look at him now! Each day that passes with health and calm I am grateful for. Yeah for Trey!

Jackson's Birthday- Updated

2010-09-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

We got flowers! All the way from a friend in Japan! I feel like Jackson is loved around the world.

Who can top my husband's post on Jackson's birthday? I loved it. I loved that he posted when he did, because I was avoiding doing it. It's one of those instances when being part of a couple really helps out! Thanks, babe!
The day wasn't nearly as sad as it was last year, no doubt because of his brother's presence. It's still really hard to remember the day we delivered him. It was so shocking and painful, so essentially wrong. This year I was able not to think on that as much as on doing things that would make Jackson happy or proud. Now that I have made some distance from that important, even sacred day, here's a breakdown of what we did to honor him:

The balloon release! This was the saddest part of the day for me---letting go of the balloon and saying,"I love you," to my son made me feel that he's not here with me, that we must try to communicate with him, to reach out to him because he's living some place else. Tears welled up as I watched the pretty balloons with our personal messages float away.
My daughter made sure Trey got a message off too - it said, "Happy Birthday, Jackson! Love, Trey" I thought that was thoughtful of her.

My mom and step dad also released balloons from a park by their house, at the same time as we did; sunset. My mom saw, as they were releasing the balloons, a little boy playing on a slide who looked about the same size Jackson would be.

As Blue said, we made Jackson a cake... My fridge broke a few days before and so we lost all our eggs and butter. Of course, since it's my way to avoid planning for these birthday memorials, I didn't make sure I had all the ingredients necessary, nor did I bake the cake ahead of time so that I would have lots of time to decorate...so the cake was a bit of a mess! We used Smart Butter in the frosting and it ended up tasting like popcorn! Seriously. Good thing my kids are young enough not to notice flavor as much as color!

Some day Jackson will get an amazing cake worthy of a Cake Boss episode, but until I can feel good enough about losing him to plan ahead, he gets the sloppy popcorn flavored cakes!

Something that was really important to me; talking with Trey's doctor about his case and giving him research on repetitive cord "accidents." I really like Trey's doctor. He's a good blend of intellectual and caring. But even his high risk practice doesn't think cord accidents are repetitive or preventable.
I thought it would greatly honor Jackson if I gave the doctor an 80 page modern report on cord deaths and how to prevent them. The appointment was set for Jack's birthday, after all.
Our family gets there and instead of the man who saved Trey's life walking in, the NP that gave me a needless scare about Trey having anemia when I was 5 mths along did! The doctor wasn't even there that day. We were so disappointed. The NP spent my appt trying to get me to get an IUD on the spot (she loves to put them in, she said), showing me the little plastic model of inserting one... Another disappointment on his birthday.
But I managed to keep with my plan by giving the report to the doctor's wife, who was there working that day. I asked that she give it to him. That way, while I didn't get to speak to him, still he got the report on Jackson's birthday. It makes me feel so good to spread the word! I really think our history will go a long way in convincing professionals that cord problems may be genetic and can be monitored closely to save a healthy baby from a needless death.

We spent the money we would have spent on Jackson's birthday gift were he here on someone else: A friend who is having a hard time financially right now. It's neat because when Jackson died she was really attentive and thoughtful. She looked out for us. Now, he's looking out for her. A perfect circle.

I also called the hospital I delivered Jackson and Claire in and left a message for the infant loss bereavement coordinator. I told her about my idea to make pillows for families. I haven't heard back yet, but hopefully we will get that going soon.

Other service done on his birthday, making his life tangibly meaningful:

HOW could I forget to mention, when I first wrote this, that my amazing friend Heather has done service for the last three months in honor of Jackson. She has a new baby girl and has been pumping extra milk and storing it so that she can donate it to a Mother's Milk Bank and help preemie/sick babies live. Go girl! I am amazed at her selflessness and daily dedication to others. She is SUCH an example to me. Thank you Heather! And thank you for letting Jackson's life and even the pain surrounding it sink into your heart and change you. I will never forget you.

My good friend Jeni made and donated blankets to a hospital:

Website about donating small blankets to hospitals:
http://greysonsgift.blogspot.com/

Jackson's aunt Laura and uncle Dallas in Tucson made cookies for a neighbor who lost a baby at 23wks and for a neighbor who's husband's in Afghanistan.

My friend Lisa in PA sent this email:
We shall be donating non-perishables to the following:
http://www.trentonsoupkitchen.org/

Trenton is a terribly poverty stricken/crime infested city. I cannot imagine what it is like to be a child there, let alone be hungry.
Here's to Jackson! Happy 2nd little dude! I love the new tradition :)

My friend Dawn bought breakfast/coffee for the person in line behind her at the Starbucks drive thru.

Another of Jackson's aunts, Natasha, gave up a particular type of gossiping! She decided to start making the world a better place with herself first. Beautiful.

Thank you to everyone who helped make Jackson's birthday meaningful. :)

Baby Shower

2010-09-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! This is a friend of Kelly and her sweet family and I just wanted to post information about a baby shower that will be taking place in San Tan Valley on Saturday the 18th of September.

I know that a lot of you have gone through this journey with Kelly and Blue and may want to come show your love and support for them and their precious little baby boy. Some of you maybe even want to meet Kelly for the first time. :)

Please email me if you are interested in directions or have any other questions. Thank you so much!

Cortney

cshurtz@gmail.com

Happy Birthday Jackson! (by Blue)

2010-09-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

My heart aches tonight. Kelly just made a cake for Jackson's birthday and it wasn't until we sang "happy birthday" that it started hurting. We did a balloon release with notes attached. We did a little service in his name. We all looked at pictures of him. Some of the pictures the kids had never seen. All this was heart warming and boosted my spirits, but singing to him broke my heart. It took me back to 2 years ago and the wound is still fresh. I force myself on occasion to read my journal entries from Jackson and Claire's death. I have made it my own personal tradition to read the entries on their birthday. I just finished reading Jackson's and it really made me think and evaluate my life. I made him a promise as I held his still-warm body that day. It's very personal, but as these deaths have taught me, some things should be shared; to help others cope, to help others understand, to help others know they're not alone, to help others know they're normal, and probably, mostly to help me. The following is an excerpt from my journal that details the hours leading up to and immediately following his birth. I am also including a picture that I know is hard for some to look at. We had an anonymous friend do a beautiful touch of job of it and have used it many times to show others our sweet son. But, as my emotions are raw I wish to show him as he was when we first saw him. There are certainly imperfections in his appearance, but they were hard to notice that day.

Sept. 18, 2008 - I was terribly excited on the drive to the hospital. I kept thinking, ‘this is it’. We reminisced as we pulled into the all too familiar Scottsdale Shea hospital parking lot. We shared memories of the first two births and I remember feeling so much more in control of this situation, my parenting in general, of being in a hospital, EVERYTHING. I was excited to tell the front desk that the contractions were painful, and about three minutes apart and lasting about a minute each. They took us to a triage room where the nurse had Kelly put on a robe and get into bed, preparatory for listening to the fetal heart tones. The nurse came in and began to move the transducer over Kelly’s stomach. After about 20 seconds of moving it around and not hearing anything I began to be very nervous. At one point it picked up a slow pulse, but the nurse quickly announced that it was “mom’s” and I knew she had gone over the femoral artery. This is when I began to panic inside. I didn’t quite allow my mind to take the thought much further than ‘this is scary.' They called in the hospitalist to do an ultrasound. I was extremely worried now and knew that this would reveal something immediately and I think I started preparing myself for the worst. I have seen enough ultrasounds to know generally what I’m looking at. I remember seeing his little hand almost in a fist, but not moving. But it wasn’t until I followed the monitor’s view to the heart that I knew the worst had indeed happened. I remember seeing the heart, and one of the chambers appeared to be very subtly quivering, but not pumping. The other three were not moving at all. The hospitalist didn’t need to say it, but he said solemnly, “there’s no heart beat.” In disbelief Kelly asked what that meant and he simply repeated the statement. I don’t know if I can adequately describe what I felt at that moment. I was surely in shock. I kept thinking in my head, ‘oh my gosh, he’s dead’ over and over. But the meaning of it had not settled in at all. I expected tears to pour, but they didn’t come. My thought’s turned to Kelly who looked and seemed like she had just seen something otherworldly and was unable to process it. Her face was blank, emotionless. Susan (Kelly's mom) asked what was going on and was also in disbelief when I told her. Unexpectedly no one wept. I held Kelly’s hand and hugged her for what was probably 10 minutes. We didn’t speak. We didn’t cry. We simply processed and allowed for the complex emotions to work their way into our minds. The doctor arrived and Kelly demanded that he give her a C-section. He said he would do whatever she wanted, but advised against it for our sake monetarily and for health reasons. Kelly reluctantly agreed to deliver the baby. I don’t know how much time we spent in that room, but at some point I began to cry. It was when Susan left the room and I allowed myself to succumb to my emotions. The feelings were earth shattering, life-altering. My body lurched and quivered. Kelly still sat looking forward. I honestly don’t remember when she cried, but I’m sure she did. Once in the room, they induced her and everything seemed to progress ironically like the previous two births. I lay in bed with Kelly and Susan read a distracting book. I dozed off several times, overcome by emotion and stress. I felt so guilty every time I woke up. The doctor broke the water and commented that he expected it to have meconium and not be clear. He said this meant the baby didn’t have stress when it passed. A few hours after the epidural Kelly was ready to deliver. During this entire time I was nearly positive that I didn’t want to see the baby in fear that he would look dead or traumatized or scary or something. I didn’t want my only view and memory of my son to be a disturbing and haunting one. Until the moment of delivery I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him. I remember thinking how amazing Kelly is for going through with this. I had always been amazed at how she handled labor and this was no exception.

I remember seeing the head and his dark hair, although the darkness of his hair didn’t at that time register. It was evident by the doctor’s struggle to get out the body that he was a big baby. As soon as the baby was delivered the doctor announced, “I know what happened.” He then described a rubberband being wound from one end and at those words I saw the twisted umbilical chord. It resembled a phone cord and I knew then what he was about to say. He didn’t really need to say it. I could tell that it could not sustain life, that it was kinked, and there was no way for nutrients and oxygen to get through. I also noticed that his body was peeling and at first I thought this had something to do with his demise, but the doctor simply stated that the peeling indicated that the baby had passed one or two days prior. I must point out that the most poignant thing for me during the delivery was the peaceful silence and stillness that accompanied the moment. There was an almost celestial room-like ambiance. Later I paused to reflect on the word ‘stillborn’ and whether it was the stillness of the occasion centuries ago that caused that term to go into existence. Surely it fits. Every fear and concern I had for seeing my son was swept away and I anxiously awaited holding him and seeing him. I think several minutes went by. Then he was presented to us. HE WAS BEAUTIFUL. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen! He looked like at any moment he would start crying. I almost expected his chest to rise and fall. He was warm and healthy looking. He actually looked strong. His hands were big. His hair was black and curly, so rare for this family. I remember several things distinctly – his red lips, his mother’s nose, his grumpy eyes, his ever so slightly sunken anterior fontanel, his peeling skin that was healthy and pink underneath, his purple nail beds. I remember his mouth would fall open when I moved him in certain positions and I would close it. Angels and God himself would have to describe the sound his tiny mouth made when I did that, for it is certainly too precious for mortal words. I kissed him repeatedly. I kissed his head, his cheeks, his lips and I remember how incredibly soft his lips felt. They felt alive. I wept. I wept a happy, but longing cry. I think at this moment I began to miss him. I didn’t want to let him go. Just as with Caidgen and Amie, I had certain distinct feelings about him. I felt, albeit cliché, that he was indeed strong. I felt he was valiant and brave. I even at one point felt he came to save me. I began to evaluate my life. I thought of his new life in heaven and realized that I had to see him again, and not just see him, but embrace him, love him, learn about him, and converse forever with him. So I took his hand in mind and with tears streaming down my face I promised him that I would live a better life, and that I would overcome my weaknesses, and would be a good person for him. It was the most solemn of promises. I have not made one like unto it in this life, though I wish I could say I have. It is in this sense that I felt he was there to save me. I have since wondered if this is entirely accurate. I don’t know if he had to die or was purposed to die only to help me, but I chose to honor his death with life. I must make this tragedy into something great and wonderful. I chose his death to be a saving grace for my soul. When at last I had decided that I couldn’t endure holding him any longer and not wanting to prolong the inevitable, I whispered in his ear, “I love you, Daddy will always love you.”

Tonight, I recommit myself to that promise. As a father, the thought that his death didn't have a purpose is immeasurably hard to bear. I believe it did have a purpose. I believe it was more than just nature running its course. If anything, it has served to make me a better person, but my wish is that it will help to make anyone who knows of him to be a better person. If his life and death have touched you in anyway, I hope you too will feel the desire to live better.

2010-09-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

Porter Jackson, 7lbs, 6oz

Trey Samuel, 7lbs, 6oz

Pojack

Trey-Trey

Jackson

Trey after a nice long feeding

I noticed something amiss on Trey's man parts today when I changed his diaper. Off to the Doctor we went, where when placed upon the scale, the weight 7lbs 6oz came up. The numbers popped at me. I went into the room to wait for the doc and held Trey close as I cried and cried. This was a moment I had hoped for anxiously. Turns out there is nothing wrong with his man parts, but I am so grateful to have had the scare that took me in to the doc today of all days. This is likely the only day Trey will weigh the same as his brother did at birth. I really wanted to know when he weighed the same so I could hold Jackson one more time...so I could look on a frame that was similar to his. They aren't built exactly the same, though they have the same hands and feet and mouth and possibly eyes. But their weights as I held them in my arms, exactly the same.

It took me back, as I rocked Trey in the office, to delivery day. This time his little body did not grow colder as I held him. This time his chest fluttered to it's own unique rhythms. I'm so thankful for this time, and I'm yearning for two years ago again. One more day with Jackson...Actually, I want a lifetime with him, but I would take one day as a close second. Man, I miss him. I shake my head and hope to God that He'll give me Jack as a baby again, that one day, I guess when "day" may not even mean what it does now, that I'll get to raise my baby. I have to trust that He will make it all right.

I'm so grateful for my little Trey. And I am thankful for today, catching the 7lbs, 6oz in time.

SPEAKING OF JACKSON---

any ideas what we should do Tuesday, Jackson's 2-yr birthday memorial? I CAN'T believe we've made it two years. Go us!

We will do some sort of service in addition to anything else. If anyone wants to remember him, please feel free to do some service in his honor. :) What a way to make him live through you.

Happy Birthday Trey!

2010-08-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

I finally got to finish Claire's pillow. It makes me very happy to have this. I got most of it done before the baby was born, but then ran out of the last 2 inches of lace. That's my way with crafts! Ironically, I was at Joanne's buying the lace when I got the call from my doctor saying to go to the hospital because Trey's test results were still really worrying him.

So, 7 weeks later, just in time for my actual due date, I get the pillow done! I love having one that can go with Jackson's. They sit in his crib right now (Trey's not in there yet). I recommend something like this for anyone who's missing their baby.

Yes, today is my due date. I tell Trey that he's no longer a negative number! He's 1 day today! He's 7lbs too! So exciting how big he's gotten in 7 weeks. Almost doubled his weight.

I think last night he was so excited for his "birthday" that he couldn't sleep... he was up and crying every hour or so. Who hijacked my child?!

Finally, at 5:30a.m., he went to sleep. I was awakened at 7:15 by my oldest son. He whispered to me that he'd gotten dressed, done his hair, brushed his teeth and made his lunch. All that was still needed was scriptures. I exclaimed that my alarm must not have gone off. No, he heard it, he said! He crept into my bathroom and got out all the stuff he and his sister would need to get ready so as not to wake up me and Trey. How sweet is that?! He heard Trey crying all night and didn't want to wake me. I think it was worth it to go through last night just for this morning's gift. I felt so supported. It was amazing that a little 3rd grader did that. :)

Life at One Month

2010-08-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

Feels good to finally post! It's been too long, but I am so tired most of the time that getting pics online and writing full sentences overwhelms me. But I really want to share how life is now that Trey is one month (WOW - 1 MONTH). This is the time I would have had him (38 weeks)...that's eerie.

SO - hardest part - seeing Jackson's face in his sometimes when he's sleeping. I have called him Jackson several times and it creeps me out. I wanted so bad to have a boy who looked like his brother Jackson. Just kidding. Even one or two similar features takes me instantly to the hospital almost 2 years ago, holding Jackson, trying to catch up to what was already done...It's too much.

Just early this am while I nursed Trey I suddenly saw Jackson. I had to turn away and not look at Trey. He's warm, he's growing; I'm caring for him, meeting his needs and helping him be successful at life. And in an instant I see all this that I am not doing for my Jack and the cover of the hole inside pops off.

Nevertheless, I have to trust the process of time and eternity and wait it out.

I'm just SO grateful for this baby! I love him so much. I didn't think I would ever feel this happy again!

I love his place in our family.

My son adores him. A few days ago after school I laid Trey down in the living room and went to pay bills (that are late!). A few minutes later Caidgen brings me his little jedi partner - dressed in the Bear's costume that he got on Claire's birthday!

Little Jedi

I feel a little ashamed that I didn't notice my son taking him upstairs! Dressing him! But this is so funny!

Then, yesterday morning - like many other mornings, my son appeared with Trey in his arms. "Here mommy, he was crying." By crying he means Trey was squirming in his sleep, making the precious little preemie goat noises that we love.

My daughter is enjoying the baby in a different way. She's not confident holding him, so she never surprises me like my son does. She is just enjoying pretending she's a momma now too -- she uses all Trey's stuff; from bottles, bibs to his swing! She often hugs his little body while I hold him and says she wants to squeeze him to death, or squeeze all the cuteness right out of him, etc...

And what have I been doing? This:

I eat, feed him, sleep, feed him, hold him, feed him, and once in a while either do laundry or make dinner - though never both!

I still have a broken boob, which constantly clogs up for no good reason, so I nurse a lot to try to help that. Trey sleeps best on our chests, so sometimes, when I just have to get some shut eye, this is how we do it. I can't sleep if he's awake. And of course I can't let him cry! Thank my mother for teaching me that one...

And every day I still ponder about the bizarre cord circumstances on my babies - anyone out there still think this is all a coincidence? I am dying to find out how long Trey's cord was - way longer than the average I heard. I want answers! Why are my kid's cords messed up??? And how did I get my first two okay?

All I can say for now is, monitor your baby. Know their average movements and if they ever change, ever, insist on a look at their cords. Trey's cord was around his neck at LEAST since he was 22 weeks. I have the pics. Not one doc thought it was a problem - not even on the day he was born. But that's another blog post!

Kids First Day of School

2010-08-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

It's so refreshing to feel happiness.
It's the best feeling to hold a tiny baby to my chest that stays warm, who's little heart flutters rapidly, consistently.
It's like a dream to go to sleep and wake up, and a tiny baby is still there, still alive.
I love taking care of Trey. I feel confident with it, and fully at peace while doing it, because there is nothing else I would rather be doing.
But I realized today that my joy is reserved because I don't feel like he's MINE. I know God intervened to save him, that he was days away from being another cord accident. That scares me deeply for some reason.

I also have been so emotionally tired for so long, pushing through such losses, that I can't take happiness for granted anymore. I love it today, but there's no guarantee it will last. I fear losing this precious babe. I'm so aware now of all these wonderful parents who's hearts have been ripped out as they bury their young children. You'd think I would get used to it, but each new story shocks me, imagining their pain overwhelms me, and I wonder how they make it through.
I hold my baby and pray that he's meant to live a long hearty life, because I don't want to live without him.
Today I saw two cute kiddos that were born very close to Jackson's birth. They are so big now, toddling around. I let myself imagine life with a little one that tall toddling around my house, and my heart has been aching ever since. Ironically, I also saw my niece who's the same age Claire would be. I was fine with it until I felt her weight and told myself, little Claire would be this big now. Imagine carrying her, this big, everywhere now...imagine seeing your little girl grow. Then a quiet mournful feeling swept over me, and it's been there ever since. Why do I do that to myself?
It's less painful and safer to live in the moment.
Nevertheless, today when I took and picked up my kids from school, I found myself chatting with parents, something I haven't done since Jackson died. I used to be so outgoing. Though I doubt I ever will be that way again, today was different for me. So, Trey must be sneaking in and healing up some part of me, even as I worry too much that I may not get to keep him long enough.

Do You Hear Angels...

2010-08-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Kari used a football to show her baby's size. In our family's usually fashion, we were late photographing Trey! This was a few days ago.

My grandma sent me the quilt she made for Jackson. She was not comfortable giving it to me until now. I am so thankful for it.

On that note, I have called Trey Jackson twice---it unnerves me. I know they are not even close to being the same boy. But Trey's eyes look like Jackson's when he's sleeping. I gaze at them and it takes me back to holding Jackson's much bigger body in the hospital almost two years ago. I miss him so much.

shhh...I'm sleeping!

It's hard for me to put him down after feeding him...unless of course it's 3am and I'm nodding off!

Last night at dinner he was wide awake and making funny faces. We had such fun with him!

Like father like son. :)

Ahhhh... I hear angels singing. No more fever for the last two days!!! And before the fever broke, I survived by watching the Youtube video about the intruder breaking into the projects... SOOO FUNNY!!! It seriously got me through!
But without fever, I am so happy. Ironically, the cause was a new antibiotic - simple amoxicillan. And while it's not supposed to be strong enough, it is for me. It worked last time, when I pumped Claire's milk and got mastitis. It was what I asked for the first day I got a fever this time. Too bad I didn't insist on it. It seems to be the theme of my life - learning to insist you know your body/baby more than the professionals, getting a loud enough voice....

So it turns out, from talking with a lactation specialist, that preemies keep forgetting how to latch on correctly and you have to reteach them with almost every feeding. This never occurred to me because Trey ate so well so fast in the hospital. He latched on right away. I didn't realize he wasn't doing it right. Nursing hurt every time, but it's normal in the first two weeks so i didn't think about it. As it got worse, I should have clued in!

I guess I was not prepared for all the special nuances of a preemie. He's so sweet and good natured. He seems perfect to me. Just not in the eatin' area! And having to take a bottle with special vitamins has certainly added to his latch issues. But with my husband's help, we're working it out. I have taken another bit of Kari's experience and made it my own by stopping the bottles. It makes the clogs worse since he latches so differently to a bottle than me. Kari believed in her own ability to nurse even a tiny baby without the added calories of formula, and I have had to once again shuck the doc's advice and do the same.
My husband's good eye and latching technique are helping me out immensely, along with a good supply of fresh garlic (my poor family), probiotics, yogurt, and feedings every two hours.
I am LOVING this one-long-day, exhausting life! I love this precious miracle. Days and nights blur together, and my shower is missing me dearly, but I am SOOO happy to be able to enjoy my baby now. I'm so happy to be able to enjoy my children and help them with all their little house-destroying projects. Never have I been so behind on housework/laundry, but first things first. And Trey's first. The little energy I have leftover goes to my family.
THANK YOU to everyone who has brought dinner!!!!! You saved us! What would my poor family have eaten while I was in bed all those days? I feel so looked after. I am so thankful.

Thank You!

2010-08-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all the input about mastitis...
it helps me a lot to hear that it took a long time to heal for others as well. I have been getting worried. I woke up this am feeling icky with a fever over 100'. That was discouraging. I was so hoping to be done with it all. But as long as it's normal I can wait it out...
What did I hear when I woke up? My older kids making a water slide in the bathroom! Goodness, they need to get out! I felt completely inadequate to take care of anyone in the house.
Even our dog's getting out of control. Last night I didn't clear dinner...my dog somehow got to the HOMEMADE cheesecake a church friend made for Caidgen. It was on the table. Only one slice gone. She ate half before someone must've scared her off. She is a food whore, no doubt (beagle blood) but she NEVER eats off the table. Well, used to never. Go to bed for several days and all hell breaks loose.

Boy, do I love my son! He's so precious. How else can he unleash stabbing rushing pain upon me while I just tenderly hold him and resist throwing him across the room? I see it is possible to fight instincts. Sometimes I pace the room, sometimes I grind my teeth, squeeze something...motherhood is so glamorous.
I'm interested in trying the garlic... though I wonder if that will make Trey fussy...
BTW, yesterday, I took my daughter to her yearly well visit (fever and all - I was so pretty) and I asked for a weight check for Trey. He was 4lbs 15oz! That's up 7 in a little over 3 days. Made me feel so happy that he's big, in spite of me feeling like he's not getting much. He's growing some fat cheeks. I wish I could find my camera and post pics.
Ironically, my mission is to help my daughter lose weight (she's just 7 so it's super sad and hard to address) and my son to gain it!

mastitis

2010-08-04T02:56:00.000-07:00

Just tried to nurse again - by that I mean, threw myself into hell and Chinese like torture. My baby is the only one who can help me, but he's the one who hurts me too.
There it is; the reason i haven't posted. Would LOVE to say i've been blissfully enjoying my miracle baby, but no. Since Sunday I've been sick in bed with a fever and excruciating pain. Seriously??!! Going on 4 days of fever--- round the clock tylonol helps but of course doesn't cure. The crap antibiotic I got Mon ate thru my stomach and now I have another ulcer. An ulcer but no relief yet...
I thought I wouldn't post until I wasn't feverish because it makes me so negative. I had no idea it would be this long and nothing would change.
Every time I look at Trey I smile. He is precious and I know by pure laws of nature and science he shouldn't be here. That in itself overwhelms me. I'm so grateful. I'm so sad that I apparently make a super long cord that doesn't mix well with active Haught babies, one that the modern OB community knows nothing about so there is no solution except miracles or adoption. Don't misunderstand, I have always thought adoption was an amazing and sacred thing. But to be able to create a baby but not keep it alive inside is so depressing. I turned my heart wholly toward my family before Jackson was born and it's been a rough road of shattered hopes.
Now I am soooooo blessed to have my baby! But I can't care for him (or my other kids) the way I want to. It's a mess over here! From the house to the kid's breath to my crap broken boobs. I just want to nurse my preemie so he'll have the best chance of growing and staying healthy. Thank goodness for all the pumped milk from the hospital. It's quickly vanishing though!
Three weeks ago we were cheering when Trey drank 3 mls. Now he's wanting about 60mls! Go Trey!!!!
Sad thing, he may have to go without me... and I am sooooo sad about it. So discouraged right now.
Didn't know it was possible to feel like this on the foot of such, ironically, "overflowing" joy.
He's crying again - apparently nursing both sides - the affected one twice, and offering a small bottle after wasn't enough food for him...!

More Dichotomy of Feelings (by Blue)

2010-08-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Quick update: Trey is thriving! Friday we had our first appointment at the pediatrician. Trey now weighs 4lbs 8oz. He's gained a full 12oz since his birth. He still looks ridiculously small in his car seat and in comparison to other infants, but he just seems so strong to me. He eats about 40-50ml every three hours and enjoys keeping Kelly and I up at night with his funny noises. His focus had gone from suck, swallow, breathe (the term used by medical staff to describe the important ability for a newborn to coordinate eating and breathing) to eat, sleep, poop : ) Kelly and I are exhausted, but elated. We feel incredibly grateful to all of you who have prayed or posted messages or called or gave gifts or cards . . . I wish I could go through and thank you all, one by one and tell you of your personal impact in our lives. Please know that we cherish every expression you all offer. I can't speak for Kelly, but you have literally sustained me over the past two years. There have been times when just getting out of bed and facing the reality of our life seemed too difficult a task. But your support made the burden light. Thank you!

It has been an interesting thing to experience the joyful emotions of the past two weeks, especially in contrast to the sorrowful emotions of the previous two years. I find myself smiling without realizing I'm doing it. Last night at about 2:30am, in a sleep-deprived stupor I held Trey and talked to him. He stared right at me for several seconds and my heart melted. I unconsciously search the house for him if I haven't seen him in a few minutes. I actually LOVE changing his diapers, something I participated in with the other children, but certainly didn't relish. Its as if every mundane parental task is an exclamation point on the statement that he's alive!

I have always had a naturally happy disposition. I don't tend to stay mad or sad for very long. The past two years though, have been monumentally hard. I have a head full of gray hairs. I have found pessimism enticing. My jokes are more morbid. The term "death" seems a part of everyday conversation and has lost its ominous affect in speaking about it with others. I'm sure Kelly and I have seemed like a dark cloud to many of our friends. I imagine it has been hard to be around us. You certainly wouldn't feel any levity in our company. I remember distinctively how low I felt at certain times in the recent past. I want to share an excerpt from my journal that I wrote about Jackson's death in order that I might show the contrast of feelings that I have now:

I was reeling over what I was about to do. I think I knew that putting my son in his grave would be the hardest thing I’d ever do. We sang ‘God be with you til we meet again’. I made it only a few words in and couldn’t sing the rest through my tears and quivering voice . . . I arose from my chair and stood over the grave. The heaviness of the hour was full upon me and I wanted to stay where I was forever and avoid the pain and anguish that was coming. I walked over to his casket, leaned over and kissed it. I climbed down into the grave. Taylor and Houston handed the casket down to me and T.C. We lowered him to his final earthly home and as I set him down the weight of the world fell upon me and I sank to the lowest spot my soul had ever descended, far lower than all other times combined. I was bent over with my hands on his precious casket and at that moment I never wanted to let go. I couldn’t fathom climbing out of that grave. I would have been happy for everyone to leave me there, to throw the dirt on top of me, but I could not leave my son there, alone. That was the very moment for me. The darkest hour. The most difficult of my existence. No one should have to bury their child. No one should have to stand helplessly in their son’s grave and offer a farewell to everything that remained of his precious, but brief existence. I think it was only a sense of propriety that made me climb out of that grave, but be assured had there been no other soul around I would have spent the night with him, there, in that hole. Sept. 2008

Those feelings are easy to remember. They have bubbled to the surface over and over the past 24 months. But they have competition now! The war of feelings is being won by the blissfulness of Trey's birth. The opposite of those graveyard feelings for Jackson occurred about 30 minutes after Trey was born. Once he was delivered they hurriedly rushed Trey and I to the NICU for his initial assessment and to be hooked up to monitors. I had no idea what complications they might find and I didn't care if they did, because he was alive! A team of medical staff poked, prodded, listened, and felt him to discover if there was anything wrong. There wasn't. He never needed even a puff of oxygen. It seemed incredible to me, but the staff slowly began to trickle away, one by one over the next 20 min. Suddenly I was alone. The last one in the room assured me that "mom" would be wheeled back in the next hour or two, but for now I could just hit the call light if I needed anything. I was alone with a miracle in my hands. Those two hours were the perfect dichotomy to what I felt with Jackson. I was as happy as I've ever been. I believe it was the happiest moment of my life. Caidgen and Ami's birth felt that way at the time, but I hadn't lost then as I had now. I KNOW what it is to cherish a human life. I was immersed in a feeling of awe, reverence, joy, and happiness. As I held him those two hours alone I felt such peace. When Kelly finally did arrive she said I had the biggest smile she'd ever seen. And for good reason. I was finally taken out of the graves of my two children and into the light of a single, heavenly life!

We're Home

2010-07-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

We're home. :) My daughter's birthday was today so it was immediatly to work on that. whew...it was easier on me to be in the hsopital!
Too tired to write tonight, but we are here and he is so wonderfully normal it amazes me. :) I feel so blessed. I feel so proud of him.

Car Seat Test

2010-07-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

Better with his blanket. Not crying for the past 25 min...

Here's a funny pic from a few days ago... just a little less stressful to view.

He does NOT fit!

He has to sit in it for an hour and a half to make sure his little airway doesn't close. His oxygen stats have to stay above 86. We are staring nervously at the monitor non-stop...Not that you'd want to bring him home if he can't even sit propped without his airway shutting...but still you just don't want your child to fail any test! And this am I let my hopes get up that he's well and coming home and now I am FREAKING. SO ANXIOUS. It's going to be a long day...

At 3 I take an infant CPR class. That should be the last thing before we leave.

Well, actually, the doc came in and said they need more labs because his second platelet count was a little low - and since he was exposed to parvo a while back they need to make sure it's not attacking his blood cells. I hope it comes back ok. Even if it doesn't they will let him go hoe, but he'll need more tests to see if it begins to raise on its own. If not he'll need a transfusion.

But hey, he's alive! And that's way easier still than the other way. I am not complaining. Just nervous!!!

Going Home

2010-07-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

13 days old, or 35wks, 1day

Guess who's going home today? We are! If Trey passes his car seat test, that is. As long as he can sit in a car seat for an hour and a half and not lose his open airway, we are outta here!
They have been absolutely wonderful. I feel like he's totally safe here. So I will miss that. But my kids REALLY need me to come home and live a normal life. My daughter especially.
My son is less upset over my two weeks here. He told me last night that, "having a baby rocks!" I asked why. He said, "Because not only do you get a new brother or sister, but you get to go to a bunch of people's houses!"
And while I am in a laughing mood - the other night my milk makers were really engorged. I told my husband, "Look at this. Some people pay like $6,000 for this."
He quickly replied, "Yeah, and we paid $40,000!" (Our insurance isn't that great unless we go to one of my husband's hospitals.) He's funny even sleep deprived.
My mom even cracked some funny jokes here (which is not nice since my abs have been spliced open), but they are a little too not nice to share! Silly mom.
PS - Trey's 4lbs 5oz now, and he has a little double chin. When did that pop up? I've been here the whole time and it grew before my eyes.

Day 10, Sunday July 25, 2010

2010-07-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

Another quick turn around. Trey perked right up -- took all his feedings by mouth, beginning last night and going throughout Sunday. :) When I say took, I mean, guzzled the whole bottle in 5 minutes or less. The nurse just told me she's never seen a baby do such a quick turn around. She just loves him! She kept asking me all night long did I want her to feed him so I could rest. But I don't think she was so much wanting to help me out as she was wanting to hold and feed him. Finally, at the 6am feeding, I layed down long enough for her to set up to feed him. I wanted to do it, but then I imagined maybe it fills her up to take care of these precious NICU babies... so I got up after he'd begun to suck the bottle and sat next to her, just watching. That was hard! I wanted to cuddle him! I just waited til she was done and gone, then took him and had a nice long chat with him. He was wide awake and interested in everything.

He's now 4lbs 3oz!

The doc okayed him to nurse twice a day now. They worry he won't get as much food nursing...but they don't know the relationship between him and my milk maker. He gets more milk in less time. He couldn't finish the bottle after he nursed yesterday because he still had milk in his tummy from nursing (gross, but they check this stuff with the NG tube).

So, he's doing great and I am grateful. If he doesn't piddle out again, but keeps this up today, his tube will come out. Then it's just a matter of them documenting that he's maintaining this positive growth, as well as him staying warm without help. He hasn't been in the closed incubator for 2 days. He will drop temp a bit, so we give him a warmed blanket. That rallies him and he then maintains a higher temp for hours. This staying warm business is a challenge for his long skinny frame.

I find myself constantly torn: am I happy or sad? Emotionally, happiness and more so, peace, fills the aching parts inside. It's been wonderful. But just as I am about to burst looking at his cute face, suddenly I see Claire. Then I flash to her losing fight and feel so sad that it's not her warm body I am holding and helping grow.

Blue and I are so grateful to realize that Claire looked like Trey! She was so swollen it was impossible to really see her. But now that we have another baby about her size and with her facial structure, wow! Who knew - she didn't have Trey's nose, but otherwise she looked just like him. Even down to the ears they are the same. So, little Claire was her daddy with mommy's nose and ears. I never considered a girl looking like Blue. But how cute! My heart is broken thinking Caidgen would have a sister look like him, that we'd have three look-alike kids and two very unique kids - a red head and a dark haired boy.

Jackson was all his own little man. I contrast his big size to Trey's little size. I can't describe the yearning to hold him again. I miss him so badly, as if I had him all my life and now he's gone... I asked Trey about him. I feel strongly that Jackson sent him down to us with specific instructions to love on us and do things for us that he can't do not being here physically. I feel jealous of Trey being so recently with our family. I feel sad that we don't all get to be together here, now, laughing at each other, learning from each other.

I guess as my heart grows for Trey the hole that's there for my others also grows. It's just how the heart is. We are left with nothing to do but be patient with our wants, and steady with our needs, which are to try to find and execute the purpose that will make this trial all worth it in the end.

JK --- I went to shower after writing this post (trust me- MUCH needed, with all those hormonal night sweats). I got back at 9:15. His new nurse was SHOCKED at him! He was done with his bottle in 7 minutes - she couldn't believe it. She said she's never seen such a little guy eat so fiercely! Are these nurses for real, or are they taught to be super positive? Anyway, I didn't want to tell her that 7 minutes is actually a little slow for him lately! Anyway, she said, "he's got quite a voice. Wakes up and is ready to go! I couldn't get the bottle warmed fast enough for him."

Then I saw that the NG tube is out! Yikes! I was gone for 25 minutes and she did her assessment, his feeding, the doc came by and said take it out, and she took it out! I missed all the action... wow.

Tired Cankles

2010-07-24T10:48:00.000-07:00

Do you want to know how to wholly love your mediocre self? Take a feature that is not that great, like my feet for example, and then view them for a week after you've been pumped full of IV fluids. They will be so puffy, so cankled out, that when the fluids finally ease out, you'll see what you once saw as mediocre and love it! I am so happy to look out at my feet when pumping and actually see some bone, some variation in size and not just two big marshmallows. I have never felt so happy with just me. :)

But for the important stuff. Trey gained another ounce - he's 4lbs 1oz now. But he's petering out on energy. His NG tube (nasal gastro feeding tube) has come in handy as he has gotten too worn out to eat much. Yesterday he was awake so much of the morning - just wide awake checking things out. He nursed twice and got his first bath. That took a lot of energy. The rest of the day we couldn't wake him enough to eat anything. So he had most of his food pushed through the tube.

The doc says that is common for preemies -- it takes a tremendous amount of energy to do anything at all and they start out great, then fizzle off as they fatigue. So last night we alternated waking him to bottle feed with just "gavaging" (pushing food through the tube) him. The rest seems to have done him good - he's had two full feedings since. But we see that this is a two steps forward one step back process. Until he gets and keeps enough energy up, we can't even consider taking him home.

I'm okay with it. My fear is the whole "failure to thrive" issue that some babies get. I don't want to exhaust him too much. So it looks like we're here for awhile.

Aunt and Uncle visiting - they had 6 plus pound twins: that's FOUR of my little Trey's at once inside her! Go girl.

Hard to tell, but Trey's IN WATER here. All soaked up in warm water as we gave him his 1st bath. I'll save the nude pics - just imagine a frog - cause that is what he looked like: A huge tummy with skinny legs splashing in the water. So sweet. He didn't cry at all.

My Kids

2010-07-23T12:59:00.000-07:00

My daughter with her grandpa, who's been watching the kids all week

First hold

I feel like I just had my baby yesterday. Literally. It's been like one long day of caring for him. My husband says it feels like weeks and weeks ago.

Do you know where my kids are right now? At their regular summer movie fun movie that we go to every Friday. My sweet sister in law picked them up and took them. I am so thrilled that they're doing something they normally do.

I was discharged the Sunday after we had Trey but haven't been home yet. He's got his own room and I stay in there with him. I don't plan on going home till he goes with me. The doctor just checked on him (all's normal) and he told me to go home... I don't think he knows what it's like to go home without your baby, I''ve been through that hell twice. Knowing they were still at the hospital - in a fridgerated morgue. Even though this is different, I cannot bring myself to go home without him. I refuse to make another memory even remotely close to those terrible ones.

Not too mention that we live over an hour from Phoenix Children's.

My kids have been staying with their grandparents, and loving it. I'm SO thankful that has worked out. They've done a great job at keeping them occupied and filling in for me! I don't know if they will want to come home with me when the time comes!

The kids loved getting to hold Trey a few days ago. It was just for a minute, but it did a world of good for them. They had not been allowed to see him for the first 4 days he was born. My son had a runny nose so they were banned from the NICU. When they saw him first, looking into his isolet, my son was in awe. My daughter, not as much. She seemed really guarded. I think she thought we were keeping some secret from her about him being sick. Or maybe she was just waiting for him to die...Anyway, it was a little sad for me. I felt for her. I know this must all be stressful and bring back a lot of bad memories.

My son though, was ready to embrace him. He insists that he looks like his cousin Tylie. I said, "son, he looks like YOU did as a baby." He thought about it a minute and said, "Well then, I guess I look like Tylie." I don't think her parents would agree, but he's sticking to his story.

The second time the kids saw Trey is when they held him. As my step dad said, "It all changes when they come out of the box." It was so wonderful to give that to them. SO different than in the past. So different.

Blue went home once with the kids, so they could sleep in their own beds and give their grandparents a little break. He packed up some stuff to bring me. My daughter helped him. He told her to pick out a light jacket for me. She said, "Daddy! Why would Mommy need a life jacket in the hospital?" I loved it.

She also found me a scrunchy. Blue was not sure if that's what it really was ( I love that he's still cluelessly male after being together over 10 years). My daughter insisted, "Dad, I know what a scrunchy is. I have lots of them." She got me exactly what I wanted.

BTW, yesterday (Thursday the 22) Trey broke into the 4lbs mark! He was exactly 4 lbs.

Do I Dare Share....

2010-07-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

The 6am feeding was the last one with this nurse we didn't like. She was off at 7:30. So, instead of fight with her about it, I decided to just wait and talk with the doctor when she "rounded." SO... I "fed" Trey the massive amount that I was supposed to, and by "fed" I mean I squeezed out 80% of the food onto his burp clothe when she wasn't looking! Even the little bit he got, he acted really full and spit up-ish. I left about 4mls in the bottle and told the nurse he was too full for it. She quickly pushed it through his tube. I was laughing inside... feeling like such a cheat! But I'm glad I did it.
Why? His 9a.m. feeding: he ate about 33mls, and promptly spit up a lot afterwards. I asked the new nurse to note it in his chart. She said, "Has he been consistently spitting up since he went over 30mls?"
"Yes, he has actually," I said, thrilled that she was seeing the same pattern I was.
"It may be just a little too much for him right now," she said. "I'll tell the doctor."
Hurrah.
I'd told the resident doctor just as much right before the feeding. I also said I was not happy that the plan was changed so fast without any solid indication that he needed to be pushed with more food.
She actually said she had high "expectations" for him since he has done so well and was hoping he'd gain weight fast because he's done everything else so fast. She said they don't technically have expectations for the babys, but she had them for him anyway. She said we could watch his natural feeding patterns a little bit more today and just see how it goes. She really wants him to gain weight.
I didn't dare tell her I cheated his 38ml feed! Just said he spit up a lot of it!
I'm so going to hell.

Angry

2010-07-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

Trey's 1st outfit. Made by his Uncle. Too bad it got puked on right away.

Here's Trey right after he got the feeding tube in. He did pretty well getting it in - didn't yell too loud!

I had to get out of the room. One more hour til the nightmare nurse is off shift...
She's sweet, of course, but she's torturing my baby.
It was a long night.
Getting out of the way that my adrenaline has worn off and I'm straight tired, and that I have an ulcer because I would only take Ibuprofen (you'd think I'd learn since this is like my 5th ulcer!). Then this nurse overrides the doctors orders and insists that Trey isn't getting enough food.
I've been nursing him so there's not an easy way to quantify his ounce intake. When he takes a bottle, he rarely eats the full amount. He's supposed to be up to 35mls. He's only eaten that much once, when we MADE him... his stomach was so bloated afterwards, and he had violent hiccups. He squirmed constantly in his sleep. I asked the nurse (yes, this same one) to tilt his bed up. It's always been tilted up. He was stuffed and I didn't think he should lay flat. She said no, because eventually, when he goes home he's supposed to sleep on his back. Within 10 minutes he spit up all over himself. That was the only time he's spit up. An aha moment for me and Blue, who both didn't feel great about forcing him to eat 35mls when he seemed full at 27mls, etc...
Back to tonight. The nurse insists that I stop nursing because we need proof that he's eating enough since he's only 34 weeks. I tell her the doctor said that as long as his urine output is high and he's growing they don't worry. If his urine gets low then they will know he's not getting enough. She can't handle it! No, she says, we need more than that. She comes back in a while and says she's going to wake him up 2hrs early and feed him a bottle since he only nursed 5 minutes. I told her I have a lot of milk - you'd be surprised what he can get in 5 minutes, and even though it may not have been a lot, the doctor told me that if he wakes up early on his own, feed him. That's what nursing babies do - eat whenever they are hungry.
This anal nurse left and talked to the resident. Comes back and makes him wake up to eat a bottle. We force down 17mls. She then says if he doesn't eat 30mls from a bottle the very next feeding - which is in less than 2 hrs, she's going to put a tube in him. I was so stressed. Blue asked her if she's weighed him yet - something she was supposed to do earlier. No.
I reminded her that he pooped his last 3 diapers. He's peed enough. The doctor JUST told me she didn't think he'd need a tube because his urine output was great.
Long story short, nurse lady gets upset when Blue can only force down 21mls the next feeding. Blue noted that he wasn't too tired to eat (the nurse thinks he's getting too exhausted to eat). He just seemed full. He didn't want anymore. She said, "21mls is good, but it's not 30mls. Baby's are supposed to get 30mls so I am going to put in a tube now." I was so upset.
She stuffed a tube down his throat and then weighed him! Imagine her surprise when he'd gained weight. So my baby is pooping, peeing, gaining weight, nursing and bottle feeding --- and this psycho tubes him.
THEN she forces him to eat 33mls, though he spits up on her twice. I watch and tell her he looks really full. I tell her he NEVER eats that much. She insists that he needs it and pushed the last 2mls through his tube. Then she leaves.
He won't fall asleep. Then he PUKES all over. Not spit up - this is major throw up. I yell for her to come see. Again, that shocked look. I clean him up and she says she'll put a "note in his chart," whatever the heck that means.
And right now, it's 6am. I bet she's warming up another 35mls to try to burst his stomach with. I am so pissed.
I can't believe a nurse can override doc's orders in such a short amount of time, without physical evidence that the child needs it.
I am once again having to pull out that fighter voice for my Trey, when people who are more medically educated won't listen. It's hard for me. I don't want to be rude to the professional! But my poor child's feeding tube is yelling at me to speak even more loudly!
I better get back and regulate this well meaning, legalistic nurse. I will post pics of the tube soon.
SOOO MAD!!

This was RIGHT before he puked! He had a strange look on his face and would not settle down. I wanted to capture it on film, since it was so different than anything he'd done. Didn't realize it was the pre-puke behavior.

Big Day! He's officially 34 weeks today.

2010-07-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

This is just after I fed him. I wanted to remember his size, in comparison to me.

He looks happy. :) He eats really well: very peacefully. A nurse showed me how to feed a preemie in a way that cuts down on swallowing air and choking. It's going really well.

AND, today he nursed! He just did it. I have ZERO confidence that I can do it without a lactation specialist there to help me, but at least we have one success. I am SHOCKED that he did it! He's gifted.

He's on the edge of being jaundiced so they decided to just light him up today (billruben was 11.6 and 12 needs a light). Said it'd be hard on him because he couldn't be swaddled, he had to wear glasses. Babys hate it. But, to my relief, he's been completely fine. Watching him actually makes me laugh. He's such an AZ kid - already getting in the tanning bed! So cute!

Look how little he is...

This is how he looked when Blue got back. He looks like he's just chillin.

Notice NO IV in his head! That came out today as well. He gripped my hand and sucked a pacifier as the nurse did the dirty deed. He definitely felt pain a bit, but I am happy that he can be soothed.

So he's all bottle or nurse fed now.

Another big milestone- his oxygen monitor, the "pulse oximeter" came off today! That one we didn't want to come off: We like looking at a monitor and seeing his oxygen at 100% or close to it. I told the nurse she really didn't need to take it off, but she insisted he's doing so well he doesn't need it. I told her i feel like he's a gifted child every time I look at it and see him at 100%, well above what was expected of him. It helps me not be nervous about him. She just took it off anyway. :)

So, many many milestones today.

I should add that the lactation specialist wanted to know about his birth because she couldn't believe he eats so well. We said his cord was wrapped around his neck 6 times. She gasped, "So he's the one! He's the one..." She'd heard about him. She told us, like everyone did, that she couldn't believe he's alive. She said she thought her son had the record - 5. Same story - she insisted something was wrong and everyone told her no, he was fine... anyway, that's another story. But she said she's been in the NICU a long time and we should know that we are very lucky. As we still ache for our other baby's, we looked at each other and knew that no one needs to tell us we're lucky. We know exactly how different things could be right now and we are sooo thankful for a repose. So thankful for our little man who's a fighter, who's here and happy, who's healing dark places inside.

Tender Feelings of a Father

2010-07-19T21:04:00.000-07:00

The words that follow are deeply personal. My nature has always been to keep many of my personal feelings to myself. My wife can attest to that. But, I feel compelled to say a few things about the events of the past few days. First, the gratitude in my heart for Trey and his life is quite literally unspeakable. As I have knelt in prayer to express that gratitude the past several days my words have been rendered inadequate. I have simply had to rely on my belief that a living God, who is my Father, comprehends my feelings and received the profound thanks that I have conveyed. Tears flowed tonight as I attempted to thank Him for His hand in Trey's birth.

There have been two times in my life where I was given something that came unquestionably and mysteriously from a source outside my own control - so much so that I would have to deny my own existence as to deny it. I have been in many situations in life where emotions and feelings seem to come out of nowhere to effect my actions. I have an athletic background and I have felt the sudden rush of adrenaline that feels like an injection of power, or stamina, or strength to do things that I didn't know I could do. I have been in life saving situations in my profession where a sense of action and knowledge has spurred me to make crucial and seemingly above-my-ability judgements. I have had promptings as a parent to check on a child in distress or felt impressed to discuss something with my son or daughter that I couldn't quantify, but nonetheless needed to do or say to them that was above my ability to know. Many of these instances can be explained by spiritual or even scientific reasons. What I felt shortly before Trey's birth was not one of these things. It was something heavenly. It was something profoundly spiritual. It was something Godly. It was, above all, something impossible to summon from my own mortal being. Trey's situation before birth was so eerily similar to Claire's. Anemia, sinusoidal heart rate, prematurity, transfusions, highest level neonatal care, hydrops . . . all the same words and phrases. My reactions to both situations were identical. Pleading, praying, worrying, discouragement, despair, bargaining, promising, begging, crying, feeling helpless, powerless, inadequate and unable to do anything! I wanted Trey to get better. He got worse. I wanted to leave him in the womb. They wanted to take him out. I wanted time. They told me there was none. This ALL happened before with Claire. I had faith with Claire that she could be healed. I didn't doubt that her situation could be reversed. I believed she was going to live. I prayed and said as much. With Trey, it was the same, only this time I had more reason to doubt because of what happened to Claire. If you think I was able to muster more faith or hope for Trey you would be mistaken. It took everything I had to believe that he could be ok. The situation at the time seemed to dictate that he too would suffer and possibly die. My prayers were the same. My faith, probably less. I attempted to trust and found myself inwardly falling into despair. I read scriptures and tried to remember that I felt long ago he would live. Nothing. More worry. Despair. The doctor came in and said it was time for delivery. I was sullen. I asked one last time for help. What happened over the course of the next few minutes I won't be able to describe properly. A wave or something closer to a blast of peace and assurance came over me. My fear and sadness were INSTANTLY replaced with what felt as close to knowledge as anything I've ever experienced. The knowledge was simply this - that Trey would live. That he would be ok. That there was a purpose to his life. I felt like there was a chorus in my head that sang words that only my heart understood. I was at that moment, somehow, miraculously happy. I told Kelly "everything is going to be ok." As I sat outside the operating room before the delivery I saw the doctor who would be delivering Trey. A voice in my head said, "tell him what you know." I said to the doctor, "I just want you to know that I believe he will be just fine and that everything will be ok." He paused for a brief second and said "I believe that too."
To truly understand the impossibility of what happened to me inwardly at the level I experienced it - the change from true despair to perfect happiness - is probably too difficult . But as I said, I feel compelled to share it with the world, or anyone who will listen.
- Blue

Miracle Baby

2010-07-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Early this a.m. the soft spoken nurse told me, "Your baby will live. I know he will live because he is a miracle baby. I have never seen a baby with 6 nuchal cords live. He is a miracle so he is meant to live."
That was a beautiful moment for me.

Later this a.m. the next nurse marvelled at his eating. It is now 15mls, which looks like about a 1/2oz. She said baby's his age just don't eat like he's doing...

For now I am profoundly grateful.

Food Updates

2010-07-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

Just want to share that the doctors have decided Trey is doing well enough to increase his feedings. He eats every three hours - my breast milk in a tiny bottle. He started with 3ml every three hours. Then it was up to 5ml. This a.m. it was increased to 6ml, and now it's even more! We are to add another 3mls every 6 hours - a pretty quick increase I think. That's a great sign. They are happy with him. So far he's digesting perfectly. So we will see.

Today he burped a few times. He sneezed. He pooped. He even did the quintessential, pee while mom's changing his diaper - he peed 3 times while I was trying to change him! So we used up 4 diapers in like one minute. It was such a normal parenting experience, though I was leaning over a plastic "Cadillac expensive" incubator while changing him. It was a cool thing for me. It's been a REALLY LONG time since I got to do anything normal with my own baby.

Quick Thoughts

2010-07-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

Don't think I've been this happy in a long time...

The tiny little source of my heart burn. :)

My son and husband rolled into one little being.

Thought today of the events that saved this little guy's life... an integral part of it has to do with me FINALLY getting contractions. People who know my history know I don't get them - ever. My son was a week overdue and I still didn't know what a contraction felt like until pitocin was running though my iv (then I wanted to die, but threw up instead).

Same with my second.

I began contracting with Jackson but not until he died. I think my body knew it was over and so began contracting.

Nothing with Claire.

So think how EXCITED we were that I began having contractions about 2 weeks ago! So happy! I was finally doing it! And maybe I would be able to go into labor on my own with this little man.

That was not the reason for the contractions.

It was because without them constricting the cord that was around his neck - medical records are saying now 6 times, around his body 2 times, he would not have failed non stress tests. He still would have languished and lost his activeness, as he did the last 2 days. But he'd pass an NST because the only time his heart rate wasn't up to par was when I was contracting. He still moved, just more weakly.

I feel like, therefore, this was part of the plan to cue docs to pay attention. As my new dear Colorado friend knows, who lost her full term daughter just 2 mths ago to a cord accident, docs don't think of -DON'T LOOK FOR CORD PROBS. If your baby has a heart beat and moves at all they send you home with a piece of candy and tell you to come back in a few days.

My husband saw poor Trey's situation as he was pulled out and shivers- he would have been dead SOON. You couldn't see his neck at all. It was not like one little cord layed out like a necklace around him. It was so think in its twists that it was flush with his chin. As he grew it tightened.

I have a 4D US pic that was taken just a few hours before he was born. Ironically, you can see the cord RIGHT UNDER HIS CHIN! Can't wait to post it, but don't have a scanner here at the hospital. But right here, with the best of the best, a doc looked me in the eye when I asked him to look over the cord on an US before we delivered, and he said, "the cord is a non-issue. What your son is doing," he pointed to the monitor showing the decells, "that has nothing to do with the cord." He's a good doc. But he was way off, as 9:19 PM proved.

I feel like Trey's cord was wrapped around his neck and arm for a long time. I have seen it in US pics since he was like 22 wks. I think he lived with it as long as he could. I feel vastly grateful that he was able to make it to a sustainable age, and a good one at that (33 wks) before God knew it was that precarious time that he had to be born or die.

I'm grateful for Jackson's life and death teaching me that even when the best experts tell you there's no pattern with cord accidents, they are wrong and I needed to find the patterns myself.

I'm grateful for Claire's sufferings - which were great, because without her tragic life and loss, the docs wouldn't even have taken this seriously. Only because of her mysterious death and heavy anemia/hydrops diagnosis did they think they better error on caution's side when deciding whether or not to test Trey more. While they were trying only to prevent another Claire type loss, they "accidentally" prevented a Jackson type loss. They thought they were racing against anemia to save him, but they were racing against a cord.

I'm thankful to you who couldn't sleep with me as I couldn't sleep...I have not been able to communicate until now, but it meant a lot to me that while i was panicking in the hosp and the nights before I got there, so were a few others. It meant a lot that you knew how much this meant to us, how tragic the last 3 years have been and how closely linked these days were to them. Thank you for worrying with us. It means the world to me. I think it means a lot to my babies too.

And want some TMI? Like I am good at? I really keep feeling like my two kids are here and just STARING at me and Blue! I feel like they are thrilled to be a part of this experience that gives their family such joy that we haven't had in SOOO long. They are truly happy for us. And I feel bad - I want to tell them I wanted to oogle over them instead of weep over them. I wanted them just as much. I still do. Not even Trey can replace them. I still miss them. I don't want them to feel "moved on" from. But I can't believe the pure love that must exist on the other side because I only sense that they are most happy for us and wanting to bless us more. They do all that they can. They are not jealous.

BTW, hope Blue doesn't mind, this morning he took me to a room and showed me what he saw - first thing this a.m. He entered a room, alone, and on the wall were two wall hangings. One of a butterfly and one of a dragonfly. I was so moved. I want him to take a pic and if he does I will post it.

Trey's story so far . . .

2010-07-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

Kelly is recovering from an unexpected c-section so I (Blue) wanted to give an update on how things are going and what took place. I'll leave some details for Kelly to write about, especially the info on the umbilical cord.

We were admitted to Good Sam after a concerning MCA doppler test. This test showed probable anemia. Anemia is a scary word around our house since it was the first problem that we were told Claire had. The doctor wanted to do a PUBS procedure, which is essentially a blood transfusion for the baby in utero. As the hours went by another concerning thing appeared and that was the baby's heart rate decelerations with every contraction. The doctor on call still wanted to schedule the PUBS for the next morning. We felt ok about it since he is considered one of the best at this procedure. Another doctor, Dr. Cook, who has been our favorite since our first meeting with the high risk docs, startled us by saying he was leaning towards delivery soon. He didn't like the heart rate decels. This was scary because Trey would be 7 weeks premature and have a whole other list of possible complications with his suspected anemia. I, honestly, didn't like the idea of delivery. Kelly and I prayed for guidance. Immediately after Kelly started contracting more and the baby had more decels. Dr Cook told us that he wanted to go to delivery now. They delivered him at 9:19pm and to everyone's astonishment Trey's cord was wrapped tightly 5 times around his neck and twice around his body. Two of the doctor's present later said they had never seen a cord wrapped that many times and so tightly and that his cord was the longest they've ever seen in their practice. Trey immediately cried, to my huge relief, and started breathing on his own and turning pink. They rushed me and Trey to the newborn ICU (Phoenix Children's Hospital wing) while Kelly recovered. They hooked him up to monitors. His heart rate? Perfect. His breathing rate? Perfect. His oxygen saturation? Perfect, 100% with no oxygen. In fact, he hasn't needed even a puff of oxygen to this minute. He is skinny and small, but very active. I was able to hold him for a couple hours until Kelly arrived. She, like I, was anticipating tubes, drains, oxygen, and discouraging news. Imagine her surprise when she was wheeled in to the NICU to see me holding him, no tubes, and baby Trey sucking on a pacifier. He has since maintained this extraordinary condition and hasn't even hinted at anything concerning. He has even ate at all 4 feedings, something they definitely didn't think he would be able to do at such a premature age. By the way, he is not anemic at all!
I am thrilled with what has happened thus far. I feel profoundly grateful! I have felt everyone's prayers in our behalf. Thank you everyone for what you have done!

I wish we could be sure that everything will continue to progress like this, but Trey has a very long road ahead of him. They like most preemies to stay in the hospital until around their due date so he has some big milestones to achieve before Kelly and I will feel relief. As they say here, anything can change at any moment and take a turn for the worse. He has to gain weight, learn how to coordinate eating and breathing simultaneously, regulate his body temp, show signs of good digestion, and many, many more things. I'm most worried about infection. His immune system is so immature that any sort of virus that affects his lungs would be very worrisome.

That's the gist of things for now. There is a lot more to the story. Personally, I feel that God has a purpose on earth for Trey and that he influenced and oversaw the events and actions over the past few days. Please continue to pray for him!

- Blue

A Miracle

2010-07-15T23:46:00.001-07:00

Trey Samuel was born at 9:19 pm. 3lbs 12oz 17.5 inches long. Doing good so far! - Blue

Update Again

2010-07-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

The doctor said he wants to deliver the baby now since he is past 32 weeks and has been given steroids. Kelly is going to deliver tonight. The doctor felt there was no reason to add more stress to the baby.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Update on Kelly and Trey

2010-07-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

I was asked to update the blog so that everyone can be informed of what is going on.

Kelly and Blue are at the hospital after they and the doctor discovered the blood levels in Trey's brain to be high. They have been running tests and also have found that Trey's heart rate is decelerating now every hour and a half, due to contractions. There will be a blood transfusion tomorrow (PUBS), where they will draw a blood sample from the cord. If they find Trey to be anemic they will begin transfusing him with blood. The doctor believes he is only moderately anemic, due to the elevated blood in his brain.

It seems that these complications are caused most likely from Parvo, though not connected to their son's case who has just recently had the same thing.

It sounds as though after tomorrow's procedure Blue and Kelly and the doctors will have a better idea of where to go from there.

Please keep Kelly, Blue, Trey and their family in your prayers.

-Natasha

Headed to the Hospital

2010-07-14T17:56:00.000-07:00

I went to my regular NST appt yest - they had mixed up scheduling so I didn't get an NST, but an ultrasound instead. It was a bio-physical profile. That's a test to check babies movement, practice breathing, etc. He gets 30 min to pass and what you want is a score of 8. It took her quite a while to get him to move and practice breathing, but apparently she was happy with the test.
I was not. He's ALWAYS moved a lot in ultrasounds. The night before also he seemed less active. I asked why they didn't do an MCA test, since I am due for one. They thought I didn't need one anymore -- I asked for one more just for peace of mind. They were fine with that and scheduled it for Friday.

SO - today I went in again for an NST. Baby was moving, but not much and not strong like normal. I was going nuts - am I crazy? They all think I am crazy... but in the past when baby stopped moving something was wrong. Well, he did not produce a normal NST. He got the ultrasound test - 6 of 8. Refused to practice breathing. A 2 or 4 is "baby in distress." A 6 is like, limbo - not a healthy 8 but not rushing you to the hospital.
So they did the MCS dopler to check the blood in his brain - it had jumped up. He's on average about 1.2 and today was 1.7. Big change for him, though it's not a deadly reading. So the doc was like, he's not totally healthy, but we don't need to rush you to delivery either. We'll check it tomorrow and see if he gets worse. If not, he can stay this way until you're term.
But after conversing with the rest of the high risk team, who were split 50/50, they decided we should go to the hospital for more testing. So, as soon as my husband gets here (my mom's) we are headed to Good Sam.
Pray for my SANITY. I am NOT happy about the hosp, though it's good for the baby. It brings back BAD memories and I know I will panic a bit!
Poor baby... so mysterious. We need your prayer for him and for us to keep faith.

Claire's First Birthday

2010-07-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

Wow! Is my husband good or what? This was waiting for me when I woke up. A beautiful memory box for Claire. The frame is one I wanted throughout my pregnancy with her. Every time I went to Hobby Lobby to get it, they were out. It holds an ultrasound pic. A year after she left us, I finally got it. :) He also found a glass dragonfly, the symbol we occasionally see to let us know she's around. The blanket is the one she used in the hospital. The pic was of her. The bear is new - he said for me to hold when I am missing her most. And the card - what a way with words my husband has. I am thankful to have him to go through this trial with.

This is special. My husband said he felt a strong impression that Claire wanted me to have something. He was led to this cross - which has the scripture that I have up on my fridge, actually. It's how we chose Trey's middle name - Samuel. An Old Testament story talks of a Hannah, who couldn't have babies. She went to the temple, poured out her heart to God for a "man child." A priest told her, without hearing what her specific prayer was, that God heard and would honor her prayer. She got pregnant and had Samuel, calling him that because "for this child I have prayed." We identify with Hannah - have been praying for a child since 2006! Claire wanted to tell us that we will have this baby. She wanted to give us comfort of this on her birth and death day.

My brother and sister in law gave us flowers and a card! That was so thoughtful of them. We were relieved, honestly, that people remembered her birthday, and that people were so kind about it. It made me feel so good to have the calls and texts and of course these flowers!

My genius friend Jeni gave us a gift card to Build A Bear after Jackson died. She thought it might be really good for the kids to go and make something to remember him by. Well, Blue took Caidgen, but forgot the card! We thought this was a perfect time. My daughter named her pony Claire. My son named his bear Trey. They LOVED this! They asked if we could do it again on Jackson's birthday.

My son rubbing the bear's heart on his muscle so his bear would be strong.

Though it did not rain, there was a rainbow in the sky as we drove home. There was a rainbow on Claire's funeral day as well. This was not the only similarity. The weather was the same temp - 111. Yucky, but cool nonetheless. It was a hot day, then clouded over and got stormy looking in the evening, as it did towards the end of her funeral.

Also, this same "hole broke through the clouds," as it was on her funeral day. There were 2 clouds like this. The kids shouted - one for Claire and Jackson to look through to see us and one for Grandma Haught to look through!

My husband wanted to read what he wrote on her birthday. He got on the computer - it said 7:04 am, the exact time she was born. Stuff like that happened through the day, and we felt like there was a connection with her. Is that too much information? It means so much to me I just want to share with others who care!

Our balloon release with notes for Claire. My sweet mom and step dad also did this - at sunset. We of course, missed the exact sunset! We're like that... but we were there shortly after. So miles away, two families were releasing balloons for Claire. :)

SOO sad this is blurry - my son took it! I was SOOO glad my husband's work insisted he take the day off. That was more than they needed to do, and more than I expected. But it was awesome.

This is Claire's first service project --- my husband's idea. My sister in law made me a similar pillow when Jackson died, and I LOVE it. I have never made a pillow or cross stitched. But our friend just lost her little baby girl so we thought we would try this out. We went to a few stores to get the stuff. I did the deed, my husband advised and helped me with misspellings (I am so bad) and my kids stuffed it. I think Claire must have helped me because I NEVER get something right the first time when it comes to sewing. But I love this! I want to make one for Claire too (can't believe I need two...a blue and a pink).

It was a much better day than we anticipated. People specifically told me they were praying for us to have peace. I think it's amazing, because we did. I thought it would be terrible. The memories are terrible. I am so glad not to be in the hospital losing her this year.

There is nothing to compare this situation to. I can't express what we felt, thought, carried with us in that time. We looked at all the pics as a family. My daughter was a little upset at the computer because "it's just trying to make us cry."

I'm thankful my family is still together a year later. I am thankful that we love Claire and there are others in this world as well who love her. I am thankful we could do positive things in remembrance of her. I can't believe we have made it through a year without her, and without her brother. The unthinkable happened, and we are still pushing on. Thank you to everyone who was with us in thoughts and spirit on her birthday. You guys rock.

And btw - I LOVE the Cookies for Claire idea, Andrea! I think we should do that!

32 weeks

2010-07-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday began the twice weekly visits to the doc. They do non stress tests twice a week and an amniotic fluid level check once a week. That's combined with the anemia ultrasound checks every two weeks and growth ultrasounds every month. How about those high risk docs?!
Results from yesterday? They said he looked so normal that his results could be posted in a textbook.
I'm grateful that we have gotten this far with him. I remember Claire's docs offering me a lot of testing and monitoring once we got to 32 weeks. I was really unhappy with that - there are a lot of things that can happen BEFORE 32 weeks... And of course we didn't ever get to that wonderfully famous 32 weeks testing with her... It makes me sad. Like she was not looked after as well, and she suffered for it.

I was also reminded of her suffering last week when we realized my son had caught Fifth's Disease...a fairly common childhood virus that is not harmful to him, but can kill a baby in utero. Fifth's Disease was the first thing docs in the ER questioned me about when they saw how hydropic Claire was.... The effects of this virus can cause decrease in bone marrow, anemia, then fetal hydrops. I read about it and it was like reading about exactly what happened to Claire. Granted, the virus or bacteria that killed her was NOT the human parvo virus (Fifth's Disease). She was tested for it and results were negative. It was just ridiculously ironic that such a virus with such potential came into my home with this baby. My kids have never had Fifth's Disease.
I had blood drawn last Friday to see if I have been infected. The good news is that even if so, at 30 weeks, it's highly unlikely that it would hurt the baby that much. It's younger babies that are susceptible to it's deadly side effects.

Tomorrow is Claire's birth and death day. I want to do some type of service... I thought that if every year we do some service in her name, think of all the good her life will accomplish. Because she lived, others will benefit. But I have NO creativity in pregnancy... have no ideas what to do! Any thoughts?
Any other suggestions about what to do for her birthday? My daughter wants to write her a message and do a balloon release. I may make her a cake, though the thought of her not being able to make a mess with it makes me cry, so I may just skip that all together. My kids don't need to see me crying...
Any other ideas?

31 weeks

2010-07-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

29 wks - I think! My daughter LOVES to love on Trey. She wasn't like that with the last two. So this is sweet. Sometimes she just walks up and pats the belly, "Trey, you better live! Do you hear me?" Mostly she calls him cute and whispers that everything is okay...

WHY do I avoid the blog these days? I don't know... It's certainly not because babies and losses are not on my mind. I don't know... I am still monitoring three times a day. And starting Tuesday I begin going to the doc twice a week for Non Stress Tests and Ultrasounds. It's just hard to talk about I guess.

I passed the gestational day that I lost Claire: 29wks 5 days. It was on Father's Day (I did not bring that up to my husband). But even though it made me so sad to be taken back to that painful and stressful time in the hospital, I was grateful that I knew without a doubt that Trey was healthier than his sis, that he was not suffering like she was at that point. He was kicking and moving a lot all day. She was maddeningly still even weeks prior.

When I hit 30 wks I felt a HUGE weight lifted off - one because I "beat" Claire's time and two because babys are just more viable after 30 wks. I knew that even if he got anemic now, he'd be better off than Claire was. She GOT anemic long before she was born.

Generally I feel better about everything - shocker!

Now I have only Jackson's demise to worry about, which unfortunately is a threat until the last day. I do believe 100% that my babies are more likely to have cord complications because I think a genetic style of cord is not a strong as others and I may make that one. But the twice weekly monitoring will help track Trey's cord performance.

I feel that I have to exercise faith now. If the Creator of life told me "he will live" I have to go with that. It helps calm me down when the baby's not moving at night, or like yesterday, when he was NOT moving at 1:00pm like usual. People think faith is a crutch - ha! Faith is HARD work! It's hard to believe something that goes against your logic! It's hard to trust and act on it. Certainly it tests me.

So this week two of my friends had healthy babys and two others lost babies. It's been hard. Lots of emotions going around. My poor husband doesn't want to hear any more about it. :)

Oh! And in the two ultrasound I've had since the last post - Trey's blood levels have hardly raised in his brain. Translation - he's still at the "high end of normal" and not anemic. My husband and I honestly are surprised! His levels have gone up by at least 10 every time. These last two times, no more than about 6. It's been a wonderful surprise that he's hangin on to the normal. :)

A Brief Scare

2010-06-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

I never took pictures when I was pregnant with Claire. It was still too hard to enjoy anything. But I wish I had more now...

I realize that I don't take pics now either! So a few weeks ago before bed I had Blue snap this - just in case we don't take others! It's Trey at 25 weeks. I hope to do another one today - but it will be my kids taking it since my husband won't be home at all. :) We're real pros around here.

So I was able to address my concerns at my last doc visit, but they were all overshadowed by them telling us that our baby is anemic now. It was a huge blow - within seconds all our other thoughts/worries disappeared. It's one thing to get pregnant with the possibility that you might have to bury this next baby, but an entire other intensity to be suddenly in the "sick baby" place again.

Long story short, the NP told us there was nothing they could do at this point, just keep monitoring him and if he gets really bad to an in-uturo blood transfusion. So many questions.....

I called the doc and he said--- the NP interpreted the results of our MCA a little wrong and misinformed us! I would be so mad if I was not so relieved! Our son's readings went from the low end of the normal zone to the high end of the normal zone (in two weeks). But he was still in the normal zone. No anemia.

That was exactly 2 weeks ago. 26 weeks. He was just shy of 2lbs. Not ready to be born.

Today I go for another MCA reading. I am hopeful that he will be ok, as he moves like MAD. But even if he's getting anemic, at least he's older than my daughter was when she got it. He's got more of a chance.

Anyone with high-risk pregs ever wish they could go back to being ignorantly happy, never monitoring their baby but happily painting nursery's with a confidence that all would be well? I am grateful I had that once. It will never be experienced again in my life. I can't wait for all this to be over. My husband and kids feel the same way.

Cholestasis

2010-05-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

I read this on a stillbirth website...I keep thinking of her because I too was told "lightning doesn't strike twice" and it did.

I have had two stillbirths. On June 4th, 2008 at 34 weeks pregnant, I stopped feeling Jake move. I went right to the hospital, and I was told that the baby i was so excited to meet , and love, had passed away. He was delivered on June 5th 2008, 6lbs 4 oz.. absolutley beautiful. It was the most devasting day of my life. I was told that an autopsy would most likely show nothing, and that it was a fluke.. My three year old son was so confused, asking where his brother was , and why wasnt he coming home. I was told to heal emotionally and physically and try again... "lightining doesnt strike twice"... Well it did.. 7 months later i was pregnant with Lucas.. until 32 weeks, when i woke up and he wasnt moving . I went to the hospital to relive my nightmare all over again... The same Dr. in the same room, had told me that Lucas had passed away. On Aug. 25th 2009 i delivered baby Lucas.. who loked just like his big brother Jake.. Why do we not see this on a baby story, why are we not prepared for somthing that happens so often.. somtimes more than once to the same person. This needs to be a topic that is discussed. Also, just so you know.. itching during pregnancy is normal, but severe icthing on your body where you make yourself bleed is not.. it is a sign of cholestasis which causes stillbirth... noone took my symptoms seriously and because of that i have lost two angels. In memory of Jake and Lucas xoxo I should have 3 kids in my house right now.. one simple blood test could have saved my sons lives.

Early Mornings, Late Nights

2010-05-25T04:40:00.000-07:00

Up again - what's new - can't sleep when the rest of the world is healthily dreaming and resting up for tomorrow. It mainly comes down to two factors:
1) general worry about the baby at night. That's when Jackson died. That's when a lot of babies die. I last worried for Jackson late at night before I fell asleep, and the worry turned out to be real. I have learned how helpless even the birth mother is in caring for her unborn child... Certainly much better care standards could/should be offered today, but even then, we are blocked out from baby in the end.
     I feel overall that the baby will live. That is 100% due to spiritual confirmations this direction. As time passes, more prayers are uttered, and more faith is exercised my confidence grows. (Here's me in the middle of the night after being awake and worriedly tracking movement, "Remember Lord, when you said he would live? Please keep your promise... I will trust that you will," then back to sleep I can go.) I do feel better now than I did even last month. But the initial worry may still wake me up, usually when I feel myself roll to my back - the "bad" resting position.

2) My other sleep culprit - generally feeling unlistened to. Even at my amazing doctors I feel like I'm swimming upstream trying to advocate for my baby. "Luckily" my daughter had such a terrible diagnosis that everyone in the medical community takes that serious as a future threat. But my son, who I carried longer, and do I have to remind them, is JUST AS DEAD as she is, they act like, "Ah, bad luck." Without any real research to back this "bad luck" diagnosis, I am diagnosed and this new baby's cord is consciously overlooked.
     I hate that I don't express my needs for his monitoring better. I am intimidated STILL, even after several concrete examples where my doctors just plain overlooked scientific facts/trends that my "bad luck" son gave signals of.
     I feel like I live in a world that's "flat." I know it's round. I know someday they will all know this. But today, they are SURE it's flat and I am just a silly, hormonal, paranoid mother.
     Feeling unvalidated is hard enough. I feel it, rattling in my head, voices of people who think,
        -why doesn't she stop feeling sorry for herself - it's not like she KNEW her babies
        - she lost a baby, but it's not like she lost a KID...geeze... etc.
So then to go to my doctor and also feel like what we have lost isn't substantial - it's emotionally draining. I am emotionally spent. Too bad that doesn't make me tired at night!
       Anyone really good at arguing well with smart docs who wants to come to my appts with me and advocate?! I swear, if they don't renig the whole "we can no longer tell you if there's a knot in your cord because it doesn't matter," I am going to find a new doctor. Any suggested docs?

24 Weeks

2010-05-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

     Feeling like baking a birthday cake today, because today my son is 24 weeks, meaning in medical terms, he's "viable" outside the womb! It's been a LONG anticipated day for me. He's kicking up a storm too. No front-facing placenta is blocking that out.
     Was it the day's significance that made me feel, for the first time, like a weight was lifting off? I felt both yesterday and today like life wasn't so bad. I felt more acceptance of our losses and our unique family. Maybe it's strength and understanding from the families at the Hospice retreat recently. Maybe it's the love and support of friends and family who tell us they think of our kids and respect what we've been through. I think getting Claire's headstone helped give us some closure and peace. I don't know, but, alas, that accepting feeling was fleeting!
     This morning I wrote a brief story for a sweet friend who is doing a service project with Laney's Legacy. They are a group that makes boxes for families in the hospital who just lost a baby. We did not get "Lanee's" boxes when we lost Jackson and Claire. They work with a different hospital. But we got a similar style box. We're most grateful.
     Writing the story I had to go back to the day I delivered Jackson...the same day we found out he'd died. The MOST racking memory is when my two little kids ran into the room, looking for their new baby. We were so unprepared for this. My dad had recently died, giving my daughter nightmares. My grandmother had passed away about 5 months before. How much could they take? We didn't know what to say or do and I am sure we flopped it up with them. But it's the confusion on my daughter's face that haunts me. It's the memory of her looking about the room trying to understand what was going on. I HATE, HATE the memory. I want to forget. I am so glad it's over, but I wish too that I could block it out. Anyone who knows me knows that is NOT my style, either. I am a facer - not a denier.
     So here's the story. It's rough and short. I hope it helps motivate the project. I hope it's of some use.

I have gone to the hospital 4 times to give birth. Each time has been unique, but also the same. Always, we have been blessed with a precious, perfect little child. We hold their little warm bodies close as soon as they are born and cry, touched by the sacred feeling in the room as we experience celestial purity arriving on earth.

The first two times I gave birth, I was able to take those precious little bodies home with me and bring more the the Spirit into our house, changing our lives forever.

The second two times, I had to leave my babies' bodies at the hospital, their spirits already returned to their Heavenly home, my heart and arms empty.

The shock of being told my full term son had no heart beat when we went to deliver him was staggering. I didn't think I could deliver his dead body. It was by grace that I went through the labor and delivery. I still shake or cry when I recall being wheeled out to my car down the same hallway as with my first two babies, this time without my baby in my arms. I didn't know what to do. We had no preparation. We didn't know anyone who had been where we were. Such things still happened in America?

If it had not been for the preparation and sensitivity of the bereavement staff, our tragedy would have been multiplied, for we truly would have left the hospital empty-handed. As it was, they quietly came in our room the day following delivery and presented us with a blue box. Inside were pictures a nurse had taken of my son. There were tiny molds of his hands and feet safely tucked inside. There was a tiny gold ring that had been placed on his finger for the pictures and was now for us to take home as a keepsake. The first outfit he wore was placed inside, along with other mementos that would soon come to sustain us when the emptiness was overbearing.

When my daughter died less than a year after her brother was stillborn, I anticipated getting the box while in the hospital. I eagerly accepted it, knowing how important it would be to my family in the coming year. It still sits in my counter, because I am not ready to put it away. I am grateful someone thought of creating these, and someone made it happen.

For all the pain we have suffered in losing our children, I know that past generations have similarly felt such loss, but theirs was multiplied. Less than thirty years ago, mothers didn't get to hold their baby after delivery, there were no photos taken, there were no memory boxes made and delivered in love.

We cannot stop death in our society, but people like the creators of Laney's Legacy help soothe the grief. Getting a hand made box that reflects thoughtfulness and tenderness makes me feel like there are people out there who mourn with me, who cry with me, and especially, who value the life of the tiny babies who never get a voice in this life. From my family here on earth, and Jackson and Claire and their siblings above, thank you for contributing to Laney's Legacy.

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

This can be a wonderfully, terrible time for us mamas with babies on the other side. I'm thinking of all my friends who will have secretly heavy hearts like I will.
I am also thinking of my mother in law, who is with my kids, and how much I hate not shopping for her, and how much I hate that her mom is here without her baby, to share the day with.
So, here is a little humor for us all --
I asked my daughter yesterday while doing her hair for school what kind of mom would she be if she was a mom...I was wondering if she'd do her girl's hair, since she hates me doing hers. I wondered if she'd want to work, or if she'd tell her kids lots of jokes and take them swimming a lot...

she said,
"Um...a Mexican mom."

Ok! I can't really compete with that, although I did grow up on the south side of Tucson so maybe that will add a teensy bit of "Mexican Mom" to my mothering. :)

Well honey, I hope you get your wish of growing up and being a Mexican Mom. :)

Oh! And not to withhold any of my son's humor from you on this hard weekend - he's a sober, thoughtful child who has recently discovered jokes. He made one up this week - also in the morning while getting ready for school.
An Unwritten Novel called Being Prepared,
by Justin Case

And a final one by my husband to make the kids laugh -
What did the Mother Bullet say to the Father Bullet?
Congratulations, honey! We're gonna have a B.B.!

Trey's scary pic at 20 weeks, 6 days

2010-05-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

Here's that pic I mentioned a while back - obviously I haven't been blogging. Life has been too hard for the computer... but even late, I want to post this pic!

Can you see the cord right up by his neck? Can you see what looks like a knot in it? This was a joy kill for sure! We loved his profile! How fun! What a boyish face! But that cord...
The tech assured me it was not around his neck, but did not say whether or not it had a knot in it. Unfortunately, it is normal for the cord to be all over the baby and such throughout pregnancy. And at 20 weeks, 6 days what can be done? No delivery will save that baby if the cord kinks, collapses.
So I had to wait it out...
I showed the pics to a doctor soon after and she assured me that it was not a knot. They also re-took pics two weeks later... here are a few:

How precious! No knots.
His mouth looks just like my son Jackson's mouth looked. I have stared at that feature on Jackson's face more than at any other. I have longed to know what he would look like when he smiled. I have felt the need for patience, knowing i will see it, but not for so long.
I'm thankful that this little boy just may have his brother's mouth! It's a small detail to many, but to his mom, it is a visual link that will give me joy when he smiles, and help our little family always remember his brother.

Thinking of You

2010-05-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we were down for the loss of a family member's babies - miscarried at 7 weeks. We are thinking of you and your family, remembering that they are all a part of it, even at young, young ages.
I also received a call from a tear-filled friend in Colorado, wanting to know how to help her employee that just had to deliver a full term still born baby that day. I was so sad that this woman was just starting the road that I have been on now for over a year... I know what she must be experiencing, starting with the surrealness of physically delivering a baby you will only get to hold a few hours, then never see again in that form in this life.
I'm worrying for a friend in Canada who I haven't heard from in a while who's pregnant, after losing her first to a cord accident, then miscarrying multiple times after.
The world does not know the secret mourning in the hearts of parents, instinctively longing for their children but forced to let them go. I love you all, in all your unique situations. I'm hoping the future will be easier for our young mothers coming up after us.

Flu Update

2010-04-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I ended up at the hospital after all. I went in Sunday night. Thought the flu had passed and went to stay at my mom's - miles away from the sick house, where my husband and daughter were still hacking. But got sick there too, so much that I was concerned about the baby and my dehydration. It is all fine now. The fluids helped a lot.
Monday AM I went to my doc for an ultrasound and Trey looked so cute... he seemed fine so far. Of course, I need to scan in the photo... It's a scary sight to see the umbilical cord and what looks like a big knot in it.
I've monitored the heart rate throughout the sickness. Yes, it changed. Lowered. But now it seems normal.
I am keeping focused on my personal experience where I felt like the Lord said this boy will live. I need more faith! It's a daily push for it and working through it.

Even with reassuring kicks that remind me of this baby's presence, I feel so empty. My house feels empty every time I serve a meal. I just feel like there are missing children, and I am left empty without them.

Stomach Flu

2010-04-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

So much for boring...
I got a stomach flu this week. Still quesy as I type...
I am 20 weeks, exactly the time I was in my last pregnancy when I got a really bad stomach flu. Claire was normal at 20 weeks, ans shortly after got a deadly infection. It is not for sure, but signs point to this stomach flu. This is what the specialists say. SO, easy to see how depressing it is to get a similar illness at the exact same time...
I have a ultrasound on Monday to check the baby's blood levels. That will give some peace of mind. But it was a hard day yesterday... I saw, once again, how futile I am in the process of making a healthy baby. I could monitor his heart rate all day - and it was a little high when I had fever or was dehydrated. But other than try to keep down fluids, what could I do for him? It stinks.
I am trying to stay upbeat and have faith that this baby is supposed to live. Most kids are fine when mom is sick. He will be fine. Still, I'm so mad!

Happy Easter

2010-04-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

To Jackson and Claire,

Love, Dad

"Trey" - my 6th pregnancy

2010-04-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

That's right; we're having another baby. We are 19 weeks now. These photos are at 18 weeks. Notice how SKINNY the baby is in the 3D pic! I know it's normal at 18 weeks, but seeing it made me just want to gain weight! (No probs there.)

My husband and I prayed a lot about having another baby. He didn't want to do it if it would die. We felt peace about it in December - not any big Moses moment answer, but feelings of peace. So we decided to try in January.

I was already pregnant. Just for TMI, I must have ovulated WAY late in November and made this little guy.

We thought right off he was a boy, mainly because I was so sick. Boys make me want to die. To add to it, my husband over time had 3 dreams that we had a little boy. I had one early on - that we had a boy and he was small. So, knowing now as I do that we never know how long these babies get to stay with us, I went at 16 weeks to a free ultrasound at at PHX school to find the sex out ASAP. (Thanks so my sister in law for the reference.) I wanted - and still do - to see this baby as much as I could because we just don't know how long he will be with us. He's here now, and I want my kids to enjoy him while they can. Luckily, they were able to see boy parts. :) Our dreams weren't crazy. He moved a lot! Looked normal size and without any obvious probs.

The detailed scan at 18 weeks showed us he's still a boy and still healthy. They even did a cross section of an artery in his brain and determined he's not anemic like Claire was! This is amazing technology to me. Had my last doc done this weeks before I had her, when I first complained of decreased movement it would have revealed what was going on a lot earlier. But I don't write that out of anger. I believe she was meant to be born the day she was. I know even if they found her hydrops sooner, her chances of survival were SLIM. For myself personally, I can have peace. For the millions of moms out there though, who feel something's not right, I say, go to someone else if your trusted doc blows you off. You are usually right.

I digress. So, we are on the horse again, as they say. You'd think it would make me happier, or lesson the grieving. No. I miss my lost kids a lot. I will miss them until I can get to know them someday. But this pregnancy does give me something to forward focus on. And it does help my children A LOT. My daughter was at first really upset about it. She said she didn't want another baby because all our babies just die. But she's the one who's so gushy with me and who talks to the baby every day now. She's come around and now she's quite attached. Just this a.m. she was talking to the baby while we got ready. My son said, "who are you talking to?"

She said, "The baby! He can hear us, you know." She hugs my belly daily. I PRAY this baby lives for her sake more than anyone's.

I feel like he will. I have pondered over it daily for many months. From before he was conceived. And I feel like I have recieved a personal answer that he will live. But I try to do my part by seeing a high risk team of docs. I monitor his heart beat every morning and evening. Just last week my friend gave me a blood pressure cuff so I can add that to my regime. I take my pressue at night. There is an unresearched link to low blood pressure and stillborns. My BP is now, during pregnancy, about 95/56. That's way low to me. How can I raise that stuff?!

And last of all, I will hopefully soon add kick counts twice a day to the monitoring. I am FRUSTRATED because my placenta is attached right in the front of my stomach - you know- right where the baby kicks? So he's kicking and I can't feel it. It absorbs the movement. I see him kick a lot on ultrasounds. I hear it in the dopler at home. But I don't feel it. I only am able to feel it really high or really low. I will ask the doc next week if this will change as he gets bigger. How can a mom who NEEDS kick counts have a front-facing placenta?! This is the first time I have ever had one.

So, for the next 19 weeks, I hope to keep updates on this baby. I hope it's so, so boring.

April 4, 2010 Update

2010-04-07T12:10:00.001-07:00

It’s been a long time since I posted. Not a day passes that I don’t think of my babies, where they are now, where we who are left behind are now.

Most of the time I am functioning much like I used to before all this happened. My heart is seldom in it, but for most daily duties don’t we need much heart, do we? Just able physical energy.

I don’t post because it would be much of the same feelings and “cycles” over and over. Some days I am quite at peace with my circumstances. It’s more a matter of finding my place in the plan than questioning it. But now and then, and I have found usually after being in a lively public place with many families, knowing the plan or purpose doesn’t do a thing to calm my agonized heart, and I am overcome with sadness. It’s about once a week that I am knocked out. Which makes sense, because isn’t it about once a week that we go out and “have fun?”

I am okay in my small day-to-day home life. By those standards I’d look like a grieving champ! But out in “society” I tend to flop. I have never, NEVER so many times just wanted to not exist. It’s a longing for death, but without peace, because even with death there is no hope of peace for me, because I know my death would thrust my living kids right into a similar hole that I am in. I could never purposefully do that to them.

So my only “hope” is to break all scientific rules and imagine erasing my existence. It’s there that I feel any chance of escaping this unique pain that physically hits my body as well as breaks my heart.

I press on, knowing this mortal pain will cease, must cease, giving way to a reckoning of every detail of my life. I know a restoration will come, as well as further understanding that will bring immediate and lasting peace. If I do my part, possibly there will even be a celebration over this life that is uniquely my husband’s and mine.

Again, through each low end of my cycles, I come to feel immensely sorry for other people called to walk down darker roads. I feel desirous to lift other’s burdens. I want to shield people from loss, which of course no one can. I feel close to people now who suffer. I’m thankful for them! What would I do without their honesty and their examples to me? I want to connect with them because I know how terrible is forced isolation from unsolicited adversities.

My Butterfly, by Kimberly de Montbrun

2010-03-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

I long to feel the soft weight of you

to welcome you home, with kisses

on silky round cheeks.

Instead my arms ache with the

weight of your absence,

the empty places that were meant for you

to grow into.

My love for you will last an eternity.

My hopes and dreams now carried

on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing

compelling me to pause,

to savor each moment,

each flutter in my heart,

your wings.

Tax Questions

2010-03-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

My daughter was a live birth, but did not receive a social security card. I want to claim her on my taxes. Anyone know if federally I can? I know our oh, so humanistic federal government does not recognize stillborn children as "children" but, thanks to Joan Cacciatore, Az State does. Does the federal govt. recognize live births that were taken too soon? It's not about the money. It's about not wanting to fill out a legal form asking me about my children and not being able to include another one. It's so painful. Her life had changed mine more than my living children's have so far, but to so many in the world, she doesn't count.

Claire's Funeral - Posted on the 8 Month Anniversary of her Birth and Death

2010-03-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

I realize that I have not posted pics of Claire's funeral... I have always wanted to but avoid it for some reason. I think it is touching to see my mother in law, who passed away 2 months later, in the pics, trying to offer support when she was physically in pain. I'm also overwhelmed with pics of my daughtor, so small, participating in such a sad sad day.

I copied this from a friend's blog! Love it.

2010-02-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

There isn't one part of this list I don't agree with
Grief List

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place," or "This too shall pass..." really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good or that the pain will go away eventually.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm SO sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, absent minded & spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy works great! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice" and burden everyone with their grief.

12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like youwant to know.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone else’s' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. Serve. Even the littlest bit of service makes a huge impact.

15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

Taking Action

2010-02-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

My husband has been inspired to get something going that will help future babies. It can potentially change doctor's awareness of fetal deaths, which will lead to better prenatal care. Check it out! And if you have any research to link to his blog, let me know. Ideas also welcome!

http://www.nationalumbilicalcorddatabase.blogspot.com/

Taking His Word For It

2010-02-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I remembered some precious counsel given early concerning the deaths of my children. I thought it was a good time to share.

With Jackson, my stillborn, a personal experience revealed that his death was linked to my husband and I realizing our destiny in life. His death is a part of our “mission”, whatever that is. Knowing that has given me immense peace. Still, I am not far enough down the road to see the destiny, the mission, the job, the work, or whatever it is that we are to do. And of course, still, my heart is broken. Knowing there is a purpose to a trial does not exempt anyone from the painful process. It in no way lessons the loss or shortens the required road.

A few months after Claire died, I got mastitis, a painful breast infection. It was a serious complication of only being able to pump. The mucus was green (TMI, I know) and indicated that I might soon be back in the OR for a quick surgery to clean out the infection. I was terrified at the thought of going back to that place. I asked my husband for a blessing.

In the LDS church, a blessing is like a super charged prayer. Through it, you can receive physical healing or strength or verbal answers to big questions. We can always pray privately and receive such answers as well. But sometimes there is a desire for more and the Priesthood is a channel to get more. I believed that Blue, using his priesthood could tune in to a higher power. He placed his hands on my head and clearing his mind, related to me words that our Father in Heaven spoke.

I did not tell Blue all that was on my heart. I seldom do, being so private! I tell him a lot. But not every little fear or question in my mind. What I was looking for in the blessing was that I would not have to go back to the OR, or else some peace about it if I had to. My anxiety was out of control! In the blessing I did get my answers concerning mastitis, and my anxiety was gone. But that was not all. Blue went on to say that someday answers would come to the many questions I had inside. The part I recalled yesterday: that there was a progression taking place, and the end result led to joy and happiness.

Joy? Happiness? I heard it and knew that it came from my Father and not my husband. But was He crazy? He must be crazy. There was NO way I could ever be fully happy again. Not now, not after I had to watch my daughter fight so hard for life and death.

I thought, “Maybe, maybe I could one day have been happy again after Jackson died, but this is too much. I am beyond happiness. My life is all about survival now. Maybe you’re not aware of how much I loved those babies and how much exactly it tore me apart to lose them. Maybe You don’t realize how much was at stake for my family with Claire.”

“Oh Lord, You’re not kidding when You say that Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways. I will try to trust you here, but I think You’re plum crazy to take two big babies from me and think it’s going to lead me to happiness.”

Some people might think I am blasphemous to think such things. Others may think I am dumb to participate in any type of prayer or conversation at all. I have seldom been blindly faithful. I have quite a few questions and some of my own opinions. I get angry with God sometimes. I don’t get Him and I ask LOTS of questions. I almost laughed out loud when Blue said the words about this being part of a plan for happiness. I tell the Lord of these doubts because it’s not like I could hide them from Him anyway.

Then I hold on to the words of promise. I believe. I try to do my part, discern my purpose. I wait, knowing as I said that I can’t cheat the process or earn a reward without the work.

Yesterday, when that promise came back to me, I decided to share it. It will no doubt be a LONG time before I can say that I am soooo happy and that all is well. I don’t even know if this blog will survive that long. But I want to throw it out there. He said that there is a plan that I don’t understand that will lead to joy and happiness, two things that I can honestly say I haven’t had a ton of in my life. I cannot change the past. I am resigned to look for my place in this future. So far there’s a lot of work: the day to day grind or living with deep reaching grief, caring for a depressed child, letting go or readjusting goals and dreams, losing and gaining relationships, seeking to understand as well as to be understood, living with emptiness, living isolated, physically recovering…

It’s hard to see good in the midst of the work. But I trust the process. I lately have thought, maybe so many things in my life have to die to make room for something new and better. Maybe this is pulling weeds and tilling the garden because something beautiful is going to grow. God knows better what I need than I do.

I want it to all be documented. I want to be able to share it all, not just the flowers. Because I think it doesn’t mean as much to flout blessings after they are realized and say, “I knew God would do something great. I just knew it. I remember a blessing when He said He would and look – He did.” Those type of things make good stories, but I want more. I want to connect with others with pain and sorrow, others who are pushing through a darkness seeking for a light. It’s such a hard process and not being alone makes it easier. I think if you are not willing to look at the ugly, you won’t be able to truly see the beautiful. I think if you have never felt pain, you can’t enjoy feeling wonderful, if you have never battled sickness you can’t appreciate and enjoy health. If I only posted the good days, the days I have peace and faith, and good friends surrounding me, I would certainly LOOK good, but what would that do for anyone but myself? People long to be understood in their pain and weakness, because it’s there that character is truly tested and that’s where we find ourselves in need of others. That’s where we have the opportunity to meet God, to be used for His greater good, to gain confidence in ourselves and our friendships, Him, and this mysterious life.

Emma

2010-02-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

So, Sunday night on Masterpiece Theatre, Emma was presented. I watched it and felt so great the whole time. Ahhh, I love movies like that. So theraputic. I'm so grateful for outlets. :)

Long overdue

2010-01-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to blog all week. A hard and long week filled with a lot of negative emotions and losing battles against them. I wanted to vent to you, my support group, but there is a pathetic fear with me now because I know that not all the people in my life are supporters. Some are critisizers. Some are quite confident, having never lost a baby, that I am doing this all quite wrong! And they may not comment on this blog, but you bet they look at it and at my life and disect and comment to their shallow heart's content.
Well, it's a sad day when you cower to your critisizers. They certainly don't help you move forward, so why act - or not act - based on them? My husband keeps gently telling me that now is a hard time; now is a time to surround myself with people who support me and who know that what I feel is totally normal, and that how I act is too.
I'm grateful for him. I know he's right. But it's all cute on paper to say, "surround yourself with support" when often in reality the people foremost in our lives aren't the ones who really get us. What then? Maybe it's time to openly make some enemies! What kind of Christian am I if I go in that direction though? I'm confused.

I feel angry sometimes at this life. I want to be so many things, and while in the past it was hard to realize who I wanted to be, it was nothing compared to now! How many of you are like me, who want to be loving supportive friends? But now that you're living in post-dead-baby-land you can hardly look friends in the eye? Sometimes for no apparant reason... like today, my son's 8th birthday party. I saw some friends and almost burst into tears --- still not sure why. I just thought, "I'm not strong enough to do this today" and when I saw them I wanted to collapse into their arms.
One of my sweet friends just had her 4th baby. She wanted a fourth, she got a fourth. She had her about 3 weeks early, just because her body does that naturally - and of course her baby was fine. I am happy for her. I was happy after her baby was home safe and sound because I knew that she will never have to be me - to live in my terrible world. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But then I saw her out in public less than a week after her baby was born. She had the teeny thing with her. I wasn't ready to see the baby. But what could I do? I squirmed and swallowed tears. I practiced fake smiles. And my heart broke all over again for my dead little girl. I said to God in my mind, "Were you aware when you sent me this trial that not only would my personal life be hard, not only would my husband and mother and my children be broken apart, but that my friendshipping skills would be deraled too?" I thought about this friend and I a year ago... I was pregnant with my son. She talked about getting pregnant with her last. She supported me. I supported her. We "lunched" as young mothers do! If he had been born like normal, I'd be giving her baby equipment right now. I'd have thrown her a little shower, because that's what my instincts are to do. I would have given her clothes and toys and lots of supportive phone calls. Claire would have never been born. As it is, now I barely give her baby a smile and a brush of my hand, because God knows I can't hold that child. Now I run away and I cry when no one is around. I want to be a better friend. But it is what it is. Our kids will never know each other, never even get the chance to be friends or not. Now we will never be as close as what could have been.

I had a mother tell me recently, literally tell me how nice she is to me and "what have I done for her lately? Nothing." Ha! She had a healthy little girl the same weekend I was scheduled to have my daughter, by the way. How could I tell this woman, with NO clue what it's like to live in my life, just what I have done for her? She will never know. She will tell herself how nice she is because she engages in small social niceties. She will confidently know that she is such a great person and I am so small, so selfish.
What do I do for her? Some of you who've lost babies wonder that I even have seen her at all, you can't imagine. Well, I went to her babies' special blessing day and didn't once mention my daughter. I didn't once cry. I was shaking before we went. I was crying. But it's not her or her baby's fault that this is my life. So I showed up and did as I should have, keeping it about them. I went to all functions relating to her and her baby and myself. I certanly didn't hold her baby (probably to her anger) but I didn't make any emotional scenes either. No one would have wanted that. Isn't that how it is, ladies? We're supposed to just play nice and don't make scenes? Keep the mess to ourselves. She, in her blissful ignorance, will never know what that takes. Only other mothers like you know. Only fathers with dead children know. Only you know how one day publically around babies so soon after your's are buried brings about two weeks of depression suffered at home.

I'm so grateful you have told me your stories. You don't know how you have saved my life! I'm thankful to you, Cortney for sharing with me how you didn't go to a baby shower for about 2 years while you suffered through your multiple miscarriages. I'm so relieved, Angie, to read about all your bad days on your blog and how you struggle to be a good mother to your living children when it's so hard to get out of bed because you miss your dead ones. I'm so inspired and even a little jealous, Denise, that you had no problem telling an old girlfriend who didn't seem to care much about your twins when they died that you just didn't have room for her in your life anymore. You women are so honest with what you are dealing with and you aren't apologetic for it. I hope to get to that place. I know this is a hard road to recovery, and I have a hunch that such protective stances make the journey down it a little less bumpy.

Two days ago I got myself in a pickle. A sweet couple from church had complications during delivery and almost lost their baby. That was about 3 weeks ago. They have been in the hospital fighting for her life ever since. I wanted to go see them so badly and give them an understanding ear, but why the HELL would they want to see me? I am like the grim reaper, announcing death when I walk in the door! I thought I better stay away so as not to remind them that some babies don't make it. Their's was able to come home two days ago! Of course someone asked me to take them dinner because I had been so vocally concerned about them during the whole process. I wanted to do whatever I could. Until the day actually came! I cried all day. All I could think was, 'why did they get the chance to fight for their baby and my baby only got a mere 3 hours before doctors told us to give up?' Why didn't we get to fight for her? I wrestled all day. I got a few things out of the wrestle - one, a feeling that God loved my baby. No understanding as to whys, but I felt like he said, "I loved Claire so much. I was with your doctors." And I was aware that she's in a better state now, not hurting at all like I am. Also, my friend Dawn called and invited my family over for dinner. She didn't know anything about my day, but she was thinking of me and I felt loved by her. I felt like my family would be looked after. Also, I called Denise, who's lost 3 babies, and she exclaimed, "I've been thinking about you all day!" I just got a sense that I wasn't alone in this motherhood trial and my life is going to be okay because I have not been left alone.
I thought I'd fall back on my husband and have him take dinner over. But he had to work late so it was all me. What a sweet couple and a tender little girl. Of course, I did NOT try to hold the baby or get too close because I didn't want to burst into tears and ruin their moment. They might have percieved me as insensative because I was in and out pretty quickly. But if so, that's okay. I am getting used to people not understanding me! On a side note, they named their little girl Bailey, the name I have always wanted to name one of my kids, the name one of you mothers named your lost girl (can't remember which blog, sorry), the name that's always been special and stand out to me. I left the house with the "Welcome Bailey" sign and smiled, "Welcome Bailey. You may not have been able to come to me, but you came to them, and they will take good care of you. It is as it's meant to be."
I'm grateful the day is over. I'm glad to have been able to do something small for them and I am glad it's over too! I feel like someone who ran a marathon that they didn't feel in shape enough for, but they finished nonetheless. I feel like that a lot, in a lot of little moments that are just plain unglorious to EVERYONE else around! Talk about being humbled.

Listen, grievers. I know what it's like to lose someone you love. I fell to the floor in anguish when I got the call that my dad shot himself in the head two years ago. The day I followed my husband into the room where it happened and cleaned up his blood is in a special place in the front of my mind. I will never forget that experience. But I would clean up the site of a thousand suicides rather than lose another baby. I don't know why. I'm not saying that to lesson the suicide, because it's terrible and unforgettable. It changes familys forever. But there is something so much deeper in letting go of your own flesh, innocent flesh that had no choice. In letting go of hopes that will only ever live in your heart, in quiet moments of dreaming. I'm grateful for my perspective, because having been in mourning on multiple occasions, I don't feel so WEAK that this process is outstandingly crippling. With every death of a loved one, part of me changed. But with the deaths of my son and daughter, all of me crumpled and cracked and fell to dust. It's a thorough rebuilding now, I guess. I don't know why it's like this, but I know it is like this.

If you have made it all the way to the end of this, thanks for reading! I am comforted in the rant. I hope to connect to you who know how I feel. Some friends, like Heather and Andrea and Bri and Barbara really seem to get me even though they haven't had to face this. I am sure there are others as well, so please forgive me for not mentioning you. Please don't feel isolated when I talk to "other mothers and fathers". You have an amazing gift of empathy that few in this life are given. I'm inspired by your love for others. And I am SO grateful you are in my life. What would I do if left alone? My poor husband might have to commit me!

Capturing the Brief Life and Death of an Infant

2010-01-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

My good friend sent me this link to a brief audio clip about one mother's infant death experience and her photographer. I hope you enjoy it.

Capturing The Brief Life And Death Of An Infant
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121758804&sc=emaf

Help For Dads

2010-01-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

We delivered our last two babies 10 months apart in the same hospital. In that span of time, one gift was added to the standard packet they give "widowed" parents. It was a book tucked into the folder that the hospital social worker hands out. The tiny book was called A Guide For Fathers When a Baby Dies, by Tim Nelson. He had a stillborn daughter, Kathleen. He said he wrote an article about his experience: "because my wife, Monica and I were the only ones to ever see her, hold her and tell her we loved her, I felt a strong need to share her story with others." That article is in the book as well many helpful notes such as,
The Early Hours
If you Have Other Children
The Arrangements
Going Home
Back To Work

Luckily, my husband found and read this book while we were in the hospital. He was immensely comforted reading someone's thoughts who many times, mirrored his own. He was grateful for the advice and counsel. Even if it's been a while since your baby's passing, I recommend this book for fathers. It's a rare male voice they can identify with.
I'm so thankful that the hospital social worker is never satisfied with current resources and seeks new ones for her patients. Each little resource helps.
You can get a copy of the book by going to http://www.aplacetoremember.com/. A link for it is also under my Helpful Hints section.

Letting Go

2009-12-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

I just packed up several floor puzzles that my kids have enjoyed over the years. I set them out on my porch so that a neighbor who I have never met can come pick them up today.
I joined an online "group" called Freecycle. You post stuff you are willing to part with - for free- or things you need. People around you who are willing to give or get respond. Someone requested puzzles for toddlers a few days ago. I knew exactly where mine were; up in the closet in what used to be my kids' room before it was baby-ized for our expected Claire. Now the room that stays cold because the door's always shut and not a lot of heat or family circulates in there.
But memories are still there. Most recently, the gut-wrenching challenge I had in converting remnants of Jackson's life into hopes for Claire's life. Before that, the joys of having two kids who loved each other and played so well together that they shared a room and all their toys.
My son, especially, loved puzzles! His eyes were focused when he built on the wood floor. He saw patterns and attacked the task of forming them. It's been at least 4 years since those memories were peiced together. Every now and then the kids bring the puzzles into my room and put them together. It takes them about a minute now.
I've never parted with the puzzles even though developmentally the kids have moved on. I was too anxious to share them again with another child, to watch that child's mind expand and their eyes flicker as they mastered an important skill. Some of the animal floor puzzles I was given by an older mother when my son was just a tiny baby. He was too young to use them but she and I were both so excited to share life with this baby that they seemed appropriate gifts. I don't want to let those young, naeve, everything-is-perfect-because-my-baby-is-perfect feelings go. I wanted to relive them, I guess, in our future.
But that's not how our future's been. We have had four empty spaces without any puzzle memories; without many memories at all.
Now, as I become willing to let go of the puzzles, I'm letting go of a dream that I fashioned for my family. So many American women don't have to do this. I think especially so many Mormon women never have to do this. But if I'm honest, I think that more than I am rare, they are just lucky. It's not rare to be spared pain and loss in life. I don't think I know a person who hasn't had to let at least one dream go. It's just so hard to do when it's for your children.
But I feel this tiny whisper in my mind as I slowly let go of saved toys, clothes, and memories... Isn't that what your life is supposed to be about? To be willing to give up something in order to let someone else smile? Isn't this at the core of parenthood? Sacrifice? Giving?
So I'm letting go of the puzzles today. I'm not really ready to let go of the little outfits yet that unlock so many memories for me when I see them. Still I know that there is a purpose in life even greater than parenthood. I have to be willing to go further than I think I can, give more than I feel comfortable with, and create happiness when there's none there spontaneously.
I share this because this is one of the moments I know other parents with buried babies have faced. Others many not see the significance of small things like puzzles, or other bobbles that represented a happy future. But you have. You do. I'm sorry for you to face these moments. But you are not alone. I'm crying right here with you.

2nd Annual Walk To Remember, October 24, 2009

2009-11-16T22:11:00.000-08:00

Here is the remarkable Susan Friedman, the social worker with Scottsdale Shea who came into my life when we were hit with our stillborn son. She organized this event out of the love in her heart and her need to do something tangible to help grieving families.

My good friend Jeni made my daughter this bow in memory of her little siblings. Butterflies because that's how we often "see" Jackson and purple because it's her favorite color right now.

Once again, the balloon release is a beautiful way to pay tribute. This was after a powerful poetry reading by families who've lost children.

I'm so glad my kids had friends there to play with. I think it helps them a lot not to be alone with such a heavy load.

My friend and I were discussing a button my husband and I made for the babies. I felt so guilty before the walk because I hadn't made a shirt with their names or pictures or something... I felt like I should represent them, take the time. I think that I kept putting it off because I didn't want to face the loss. I kept busy with the family routine and other obligations because the loss is too much to bear daily. But of course the day before there was no shutting it out and then I scrambled to do something. Luckily, a friend suggested buttens. Walmart sells the blank ones and we printed pics out at home and cut them to fit. On the back we wrote, "You held our hands for a fleeting moment, You hold our hearts forever." With their birthdates.

Thanks to the friends and my mom who came to support us and the babies. We gave them buttons too, wanting the walk's purpose to be a little more tangible.

It's amazing how comfortable and talkative my husband is in these settings. He feels right at home because he's free to talk about the loss without being taken weird, or making other's uncomfortable, or even annoying them. Do you ever feel like you aren't allowed to be sad anymore? I actually had someone tell me today basically to just stop with my issues because it's not their problem. Are we in a quick fix society or what?

Susan Friedman brought hundreds of ladybugs for the kids. That was so great for them!

Jackson's First Birthday- Sept 7, 2009

2009-11-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

The day of your baby's death is seared into your - and hopefully your family's minds. We often wondered where we'd be one year from Jackson's death... would we feel joy again? Would we have another baby? Would we have discovered some of the purposes and whys to it all?
And just like I ironically told Blue on the way to the hospital while in labor with Jackson that I could never handle having a stillborn, if someone had told me that on Jackson's first birthday there would already be another sibling's grave beside his, I would have honestly said I wouldn't survive such a tragedy.
But we do, don't we? We are changed. People around are changed. Even our relationships with people around us are changed. For some of us chosen people, life is not our own to plan but part of something greater planned for us.
Still, we could hardly process the important one year mark of Jackson's passing clearly. I tried to focus on him though his sister's C-section scar still ached and I could still see her little swollen face in my mind whenever I closed my eyes. I wanted this day to be about him.
One thing I felt was really important to do on his birthday was release balloons with messages to him. This is a tangible way for children to reach out to their dead siblings. You can see Jackson's six year old sister here writing him a message. Everyone in attendance did it. I felt that it honored him, helped us remember him, and helped us as well hope to be better people as we live a life here in a way that he can not.

*Claire's grave on the left, Jackson's on the right*

I was grateful to my step father for bringing nice soil up and dressing the graves. It made them pretty in my eyes.

We also made a "cake" for him. My kids were a little disappointed that more people didn't come to his "party," said that was not fair to him. I was touched by their desire that this unseen sibling receive just as they do in life. The sad part about AZ graveside celebrations? More likely than not, it's HOT, even in the morning. It was hard to enjoy the sweets when we were all dripping sweat!

647.5 ounces

2009-10-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Guess what happened on October 8, exactly 3 months after Claire was born? The Austin Milk Bank recieved my shipment of 647.5 ounces of milk! That it worked out to be her 3 month birthday was great. Here's what's even better, that many CLOSED doors caused me to turn toward other doors. Those alternate doors were actually better doors.
If you read past blog posts you will see the story of how I was turned down for milk donation due to a false positive test result. I made the most of it by contacting the Medical Director and asking her to look at my case and change future policy. This is my hope, that other mothers wanting to give will be better informed and do the required blood tests no sooner than 6 weeks after giving birth. No need for scary false positives that ruin donation chances and scare grieving moms to death!
The medical director shared my story with the Austin milk bank. Turns out, they were DESPERATE for milk! Huge shortage. They said, "hey, if you send me the confirmatory test showing that you don't have the virus we will take your milk!" That's what I did.
My deepest desire was for babies in the same NICU Claire was born in to get my milk. But there are no milk banks in Az. Austin babies would have to do, I thought. Their lives are just as valuable.
Blue and I met with Claire's doctor one Saterday morning to go over all her medical records. He told me his patients haven't been getting their needed milk because his bank, the Austin Milk Bank, was in some kind of crisis. How could I but sit there on his couch and smile...my milk was indeed going to Claire's NICU. It may take a pit stop in Austin for processing, but it's coming back home to Az.
Thank you for that, God.
I can't have all that I wanted. But this is a small, healing gift that I can and do take with me. It teaches me to keep pressing on when doors close. The journey's not over.
Maybe you too will get your wish one day, after all.

Signs and Communications

2009-09-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

September 12, 2009

One of the hardest parts about this second loss is that I don’t hear from my daughter.

Less than a week after my son died he visited me; told me how sorry he was, but that it if he hadn’t died Blue and I would never reach our “full purpose in life.” I wondered at the time, was this really him or just my mind imagining reasons, purpose, to help me cope with the bizarre, cruel life I’d been so suddenly yanked into. But more visits followed, more feelings, more counsel. Butterflies, butterflies, butterflies! Others, even, saw butterflies and sensed Jackson there. While each visit was different, the impression my husband and I got of him was the same. Imagine your closest family member. If you lost your sight yet you would know he/she was in the room with you. You know their cadence when they speak. You feel their spirit – whether it’s timid or course or empathetic or cynical. Those distinct traits which make them who they are, which make them your closest confidant, come through on so many levels. That is familiarity.

So it’s been with Jackson, so that over this painful year I have gotten to know him well enough to recognize his strong, distinct presence as soon as it comes.

I waited for Claire to visit in such a way. I sensed for her personality while in the hospital like I felt it the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy. I waited while I lay in bed with oxygen over my face trying to send my health and calmness through the cord to her sick body. I heard nothing, I felt nothing.

She died in my arms. No doubt her spirit was there in the room with us those precious moments after she passed. But I couldn’t greatly sense her, much less communicate with her.

Was it my own exhaustion? Did the drugs they administered get in the way? Was my grief so deep that I functioned only on a shallow physical level?

I would wait for Claire’s counsel, her love, her visit.

At Claire’s funeral, a dear friend told me that maybe there is no purpose: this is a cruel world and cruel things just happen. Maybe, I thought, but that goes against all my life experiences. More confusion. Over a month passed and the emptiness seemed to stretch my broken, black heart even more. All I got was more loneliness and pain. I was so angry that God would not her speak to me. I was mad that He wouldn’t give me some clue as to why we were forced into this trial.

Then my daughter got a father’s blessing for the new school year. It was beautiful and sacred. I want to share one part because it answered my questions and released my anger. Blue told me after that he wanted to tell Ami her sister would be with her this year, that she would feel her there. He had been directed to tell Caidgen that Jackson would be with him this year, after all. But he couldn’t. Instead the impression came that Claire is still developing and growing. She has much to learn. Maybe not this year, but later on in Ami’s life, Ami will sense and know that her sister is with her. Ami will be very important in Claire’s life, actually. They will have a deep closeness.

Understanding has once more been my balm for sickening anger. The first time I “saw” Jackson he was not a baby – not even a child, but a young man. I saw him in a way that would help me understand that spiritually, he is older. He is so strong, wise, loving, developed. That is why he can break through and serve as one of God’s angels to bless our family. Claire is young. I picture her like a new, precious spirit from Heavenly Father. Poor thing had such tremendous physical sufferings to endure while here... The insights and strengths she learned I would love to know.

Now she is without pain and in a brighter place. I don’t know what she is doing, but I believe the words of Ami’s blessing; that she is still growing. And one day, when the time is right and she is able, she will bless our family with her presence. I look forward to the day when Ami feels her love and knows that all this time of loving and missing Claire was not in vain. I feel peace about it. I realize we should never take for granted even a quick glimmer from the other side. Heavenly communication is not child’s play. It is real. Just as I have suspected the last two years concerning my father who passed, there are very good reasons I don’t sense him here. He’s got quite a lot more to do where he is and frankly I don’t envy him. But that’s another story! My grandma, conversely, was a very spiritual person and I have already felt her with me numerous times, though she only died a year ago. Ironically, nostalgic smells came and I sensed her so much in the weeks before Claire died that I often wondered if she was trying to tell me something. I just felt her love… We had named Claire after her. Grandma seemed to encourage me in the day-to-day trials of my scary pregnancy. Now I wonder, was she bolstering me for the dark days ahead? Whatever work she was doing, she was acting as angel, ministering to our family and I am grateful.

What I am getting at is that each person and their journey is unique. I don’t “feel” Jackson with me because it simply makes me feel better. If it was just that, Claire would be “with me” every minute! I feel him at times because he is here at times. I don’t feel Claire because she is not here, but doing an important work elsewhere. She is no less alive or important to our family. All you bereaved mothers who wait and wonder where is your sweet child now, and ache because there just don’t seem to be signs, take heart. I believe your babies are alive, safe, and would communicate if they could. Hopefully they will when they – or you – are ready. What they are doing now that keeps them away is vital. One day I believe all mysteries will come to light. Until then we wonder, question, even shout sometimes while we painfully press on with our own purposes here on earth.

Those Early Days of Isolation

2009-09-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

Of course the feelings below aren't all reflections of true statements. But they do reflect, I believe, the true range of emotions parents go through after losing babies. There is much scattered, apparantly random thoughts. But we are complex, aren't we? All these thoughts and feelings exist at simultaneously inside us. I hope others in pain may feel less alone when they catch a bit of themselves in where I was less than a month after our second baby was buried.

August 4, 2009
I hate August, by the way. Never a month I wanted to have babies in. At least there’s that...

Tonight I paid bills. Under the “play” section I entered in: Hawaii. The entry before it said: Fetal Doppler, 90.00. It jumped out at me. Life can change so fast. The course you are on can be jolted from under your feet and suddenly you can be reeling to catch up with the new place you’re journeying to.

A voice in my head says, Get over it, Kelly. Everyone else has. I spoke with ***for a minute tonight and she told me how she’s trying to fix her Xbox because Lost comes thru it and she can’t live without watching Lost. I hung up quickly. She’s over it. Everyone’s over it.

But I am consumed with my pain. Maybe I am selfish in it. I want people to care for us. I want someone to give up some of their time or resources for us because that shows me the Claire has altered their life. But often what we get are cards in the mail with brief cliches that slide off my skin.

I am startled by how I can’t talk to my friends. ****’s visit showed me that. I sat silent and counted the minutes til it was over. I called ****tonight and - wow! – I had to force out every line. I am perfectly functional to my kids and Blue, but to everyone else, bam: I am like a freak .I called **** tonight out of moral determination. Being so left alone teaches me how important it is for family to be there. In times like this you need your family to carry you through. It hurt so much that family went vacationing the week after Claire died. Not having them there makes it all the harder, drives the pain deeper.
Family roles and traditions are more than quaint activities. They are vital to the survival of families. Even if it's just sitting on the couch with the suffering. It matters. It lasts. It builds a stronger family unit.

Monday, our last day in Hawaii, our car battery completely died. We don’t know anyone in the city. A simple jump turned into a nightmare. Our rental company would charge us 50.00 to come jump us – apalling. A man parked next to us while Blue hashed it out (politely) on the phone. He said he didn’t have cables and stalked off quickly. After an hour a nice looking old couple was parked close to us in the garage and had jumper cables! Tada! Light breaking thru. The man said he had them, but he would not give us a jump. He and his wife put on their huge black sunglasses and drove away.

Pray, I thought. This is when you pray for help. Show your kids how to deal with these sticky situations and trust that the Lord will send aide. I told the Lord to Go to Hell. He slammed my prayers and life right into hot concrete. Why would I ask for his help now?

I could not do it. I could not do it. How disappointed the Christian world must be in me. Sometimes I am shocked at my own angry vigor. But as more and more of my life slips away, any control on my side in vain, the anger grows. Nothing is so sacred to me as children. Nothing has ever mattered more to me in all my life, in the deepest parts of me that dream and vision, than a little functioning family. So sacred, so shattered.

I really feel like people who have lost their deepest dream can identify with what I feel, what I carry inside me each day. Not everyone has lost what they valued most. This is a quite isolating place to be. People build relationships on commonality. When that is gone, everything is a little harder. It’s a little more forced. I am back into the moral obligations of society that I referred to. I can not love some people spontaneiously by the ties that bind, so I make ties.

I went to Hawaii to bleed out some of my pain on it’s sacred land. It’s almost too pretty to taint that way, but in it’s vastness I feel that it can handle the blood from my tears. Now, home again, my insides are ripped open. It’s so hard to be home. Books say don’t do anything major for a year after losing a child. You just can’t think right. I don’t care. I want out of this house because everything about it slaps me in the face. Here’s the family taken from you. Here are the broken dreams. Here is a most strenuous physical effort endured in vain. Here are where you dreampt up your babies and where you grew them and where you prepared for them, and where you cried wanting to be a better mother for them. And here is where you walk empty without them each day: Once before, for Jackson, in a noble effort to get up and get on with things. Now you drag on alone, devoid of the hope and forward pursuit.

I feel so lonely here. It’s quite overpowering. I feel so sad and so alone. I work for my kids but they are in bed now and so it’s just me and this pain again.

My health has been taken. I stood and watched while the kids and Blue played in Hawaii. I tire quicker. I am 15 pounds overweight. I feel like an invalid. My children have been taken. Many, many of my loved ones have been taken. What else? Lately I am like a scared child in a corner afraid to go out and live in the world because I know the pattern. I feel like the part of me that was a risk taker is extinguished.

Blue was offered the job we've prayed for for a year. The offer came while we were in Hawaii. I am scared to make the change. It’s everything I wanted! For so long I wanted this. But now I have to trust Blue in the intuiting if it’s the right thing. I can’t feel it and go with it right now. I feel like, why look for the signs? I had them with Claire and it turned out opposite of what they indicated. I can’t place trust on intuition anymore. But that is all I am, intuition. That is how I have always directed my life. So now without that I am lost.
Lost.

What Happened With Our Sixth Angel - July 8, 2009

2009-09-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

July 9, 2009

It's easier right now to just send this out rather than tell the story a million times.

Kelly was 29 weeks along and everything seemed perfect. She was still a little nervous though, since losing Jackson was such a shock. She even bought a doppler last week so that she could hear Claire's heart.

On Monday I was staying at my parent's after going to a game with my dad and brothers. Kelly was at home and was nervous since the baby seemed to stop moving as much as she had the previous few weeks. She felt like she should go to the hospital to check it out. She got the kids up at 11pm, dropped them off at her mom's and went to the hospital. After monitering the heartrate for over an hour they felt it was a little sluggish. The heart rate was normal, but never seemed out of a sleep pattern. They thought the rythm indicated the baby was anemic. They continued to monitor her and run tests. Kelly texted me about 4am and so I came to the hospital. High Risk doctors were called.

As I was walking into the hospital Kelly called to say that they determined the baby had hydrops. I don't remember hearing anything about hydrops in nursing school so I didn't know how serious it was. Basically it's defined as having fluid in 2 or more organ compartments. The baby's lungs and abdomen were filled with fluid. They assembled an amazing team of specialists to our case and even conferred with doctors from around the country. There are literally hundreds of potential causes of hydrops. They told us that they would do amniocentesis to draw amniotic fluid, attempt to drain fluid from lungs and belly, and draw blood from the cord. They were able to draw amniotic fluid and 60cc of fluid from the baby's belly. As Kelly recovered through that night the baby's heart pattern started heading in a dangerous direction and they decided early that morning to do an emergency c-section. With 7 doctors and 6 nurses they deliverd Claire Elizabeth at 7:04am 7/8/09. She was very, very edemetous - swollen in her head and limbs. They put in chest tubes in both lungs and tubes in the abdomen to drain off the fluid. They intubated her and put her on a ventilator.

She was attempting to breathe on her own after delivery so that was a good sign. All through this process they let us know that her chances were not good. We had a lot of hope that she would survive despite their concern. They rushed her to the NICU and continued draining her lungs and belly as well as giving her blood transfusions for the severe anemia. We had the kids come the hospital and meet their sister. They loved seeing her. She would squeeze our hands when we placed a finger in hers.

As the third hour passed Claire went from being somewhat stable, to not being able to perfuse oxygen to her lungs and other organs. She began to deteriorate. At the end of the 4th hour it they assured us they had done all they could for her and any time left on the machine would just do more damage to her. She wasn't getting much oxygen at all at this point and so we painfully decided it was time to stop.

We held her in our arms as they turned off the machines.

I thought that nothing could be more painful than losing a full term baby like Jackson last year, but holding our baby in our arms as she died surpassed anything from his death. I am grateful that I was able to hold her though, as she left this world. We spent the rest of the day and the next morning with her in our room. She was beautiful. And words can't describe how much I'll miss her.

We are home now and just trying to deal with the what one doctor said was "lightning striking twice". According to everything they have seen they said that the two deaths are in no way related. We are awaiting more answers as the litany of tests ordered start to yield information over the next few weeks.

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts on our behalf. We will need them.

Know that if you got this message it's because I have felt loved by you in my life and need to share my burden with you.
Blue

Working to Create Positives from Claire's Death

2009-09-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Mothers Mik Bank Medical Director, September 2, 2009

I recently came into contact with your organization through difficult circumstances. To make a sad story brief, I have lost two babies in the last 10 months.

In the months following the loss of my son, Jackson, I heard about your organization. I sorrowed over the lost opportunity to give life to others with his milk. Never could I have imagined that another opportunity to donate would soon come. July 8, 2009, my daughter, Claire, died shortly after birth. She was 29 weeks, so the milk my body produced for her was valuable.

Immediately I set out on the donation course. The hospital drew blood for the 5 tests your organization requires the day after I gave birth. I did the verbal questionnaire from my hospital bed. Lactation specialists brought a double breast pump to my room so I could start donating right away. That Claire could give to others through my milk was a silver lining in my darkest hour.

But the storms swept quickly back in when the HTLV test came back reactive and I was faced with a freezer full of tainted milk and the horror that I may have passed this incurable virus unknowingly to my other children and husband. I was devastated.

Further confirmatory testing has revealed that the original test was a false positive. I have researched this situation and found that pregnant women have a tremendously higher rate of false positives with the HTLV test. The following is a direct quotation from the Cord Blood Registry:

Due to the sensitivity of the tests used at BSL and the hormone levels of the mom at the time of the maternal blood draw, it is not uncommon for moms to experience a false positive result; even though they were never exposed to the particular infectious disease they have tested reactive for. A false positive result in a pregnant mom can be due to the high levels of hormones in the mom's blood stream, which can cross-react with the test and produce a false positive test result.

The antibody test for HTLV types 1/2 is notorious for producing false positive test results. The American Red Cross also has a significant number of false positive results with this Infectious Disease Marker, but CBR has an almost 6 times higher false positive rate than in a non-pregnant population.

If the result is reactive, and the mom has not lived in high incidence areas or participated in high risk lifestyles, chances are good that it is a false positive test result. HTLV is passed through breast milk; however, moms should use common sense when they receive a reactive test result. If the mom has been breast feeding her baby she should continue to do so until she has consulted with her physician and is instructed to do otherwise or is retested.

The CBR phone number is 1-800-776-3285 if you have further inquiries.

What I am asking of you is that you take this research into consideration and modify your website and any other public information your company advertises. One simple sentence could have saved me such emotional turmoil as well as provided your bank with several hundred more ounces of milk. Please consider advising mothers not to have blood drawn until 6 weeks after giving birth.

While most of the mothers contacting you are already past this point, some in sad circumstances such as myself will need this small bit of priceless information.

My journey with your organization was not in vain if you can take what I have learned and fine tune your donation process. My hope is that other mothers like myself have the opportunity to donate milk for more than just research.

The PHX hospital I delivered in is currently making a handout about your company for families who’ve lost infants. They will be advising mothers not to draw blood in the first 6 weeks after giving birth. As they refer mothers to you it is my hope that you are equipped as well to inform them accurately so that the maximum milk amount may be donated.

Please correspond with your thoughts. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Kelly Haught

recieved a wonderful, quick responce:

Dear Kelly. Thank you for the letter. My staff was greatly upset with the initial blood test results as well. I spoke to our Medical Director about your references, although he does not accept the findings as a tool for milk banking, I will bring this up and challenge the guidelines for the milk banks on a national level in Kalamazoo Michigan next week at our annual meeting. On a better note, I spoke to ****** at the Texas milk bank about our situation. If you have the confirmatory result and will allow me to transfer all of the paperwork to her, she will accept your milk. They are in a terrible situation where they cannot find enough milk and therefore, will accept false positive mother’s milk at this time. We did not know that was an option for you at the time of the correspondence. I deeply apologize for the delay.

Sincerely,

***** RN, MSExecutive DirectorMothers' Milk Bankwww.milkbanksj.orgPresidentHuman Milk Banking Association of North Americawww.hmbana.org751. S. Bascom AvenueSan Jose, CA 95128408-998-45501-866-998-4550408-885-3959Fax 408-297-9208

December 18, Adopt-a-Class Day!

2008-12-20T20:22:00.001-08:00

I've tried to get a variety of pics so that all you who donated might glimpse your toy, your clothes in some grateful little hands...

All ready to go! No tote undone. We needed two cars to take everything - this photo is missing 5 bags still. I thought how glad I was to have the bigger vehicle that we bought the day we had Jackson. At first it seemed cruel to have this reminder of what happened that day, but it's a blessing to use it to help others. I know - sounds cheesy, but it's true for me.
Here's one tote unpacked - new toy, used toy, new clothes, used clothes, shoes, pjs, socks. Some kids also got tooth brushes and/or undies (the undies the kids hid in the bottom of their totes so no one would see them!)I LOVED that Ami just jumped in and helped pass out lunch.What a doll baby. She got what she wanted - a light haired Barbie. If you look closely you'll see that she has nothing but black stubs for top teeth. This shook me - it showed a total lack of dental care/hygiene. Poor thing, to have lost them all at only 5 years old.

The saying goes, you have to give to receive. Amaris learned this through this project on a 5 year old level. Remember I said she tried to give her toys? Well, it was hard for her! Here is a precious girl that received some of Ami's toys -- she wanted dress up clothes so we gave her a tote filled with Ami's dress up clothes. The yellow pom poms were included in the bunch. Ami didn't want me to give them away. Never mind that she doesn't play with them. Ever. But look what she got the very next day ---

New red ones from a friend from school! I had to include this pic when Barbara emailed me the yellow pom pom one and I had this one on my camera to match it.

Look at these sweet girls. The doll was a used donation from a cousin. Isn't her smile so worth it?
Barbara - like me, had a hard time not crying a lot during the party. We STUFFED it and tried to help everyone have a memorable Christmas party. She really bonded with the blond in the back. The girl with the red Rudolph nose -- she stands out to me. Her hair was so greasy - her corduroys were filthy. She also got a tote of Ami's dress up clothes. She LOVED them! She loved the pink stuff best, but I could tell she had this giant need for more. More everything. She popped into all the pics. She tried on all the clothes. She asked other kids for their toys. She followed me around. When I called for Martha to come help me identify her clothes (they got mixed in with 2 other tote bags worth) she bounded over saying she was Martha. I pray for this little Rebecca, that she will get that hole filled and make it in this world.

This sweet Melanie was quiet and gentle. The teacher told me she just got out of surgery for a hernia.

I'm so glad my kids were there. They passed out lunches in the beginning. They passed out totes when it was time. Ami giggled with the girls and Caidgen showed the boys how to use their remote control cars.

Class pic right after lunch and before the totes were passed out.

Some of the girls were quite taken with Blue! He was so great that day. He says this is just what he wanted for Christmas. Guess that means I don't have to get him anything else for Christmas! Here what it looked like when we walked in. Literally there was an eruption of cheers. The class was so polite towards us with their please and thank yous.

Here's me and mama-to-be Jeni just before we walked into the class. She's the brains that got the totes donated and kept the class party running smoothly. Don't let the pic fool you - Barbara made the cupcakes, not me. I stayed up coughing all the night before while I wrapped the final gifts, and showed up to the party without a voice.

As at Hogwarts, "let the sorting begin..."

2008-12-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

Anyone else's blog posting pics all backwards lately? I'm about ready to quit on the whole thing. I'm not going to take time to redo these pics so here's the little tale told backwards.
Jeni and Barbara came over today for several hours. Jeni got 20 tote bags donated so each child gets one. :) Inside we put a few nice used outfits, and a used toy, as well as shoes and socks. We then wrapped new toys and added those. We tied ribbons around PJs and added those. Also we wrapped new outfits and - you guessed it, added those. It's amazing what can be stuffed in those totes! These are the 7 students that are completely done -- well, except that we are tying a hair bow to each girl tote and a hot wheels toy to each boy tote.

These are the bags that are partially done but still need some new stuff. Ah, the order a few tote bags can add to a room!

This was a sampling of the piles I had going all last week in my room while I sorted through donations for the kids.

This was just the beginning - wish lists laying on my floor waiting to be bombarded with some lovin'!

Is this not a little chaotic looking? I put a list down where ever I could make a spot for it and Blue and I went to work going through donations.

A HUGE thanks to the people that have come out of the woodwork to help out. Julie in Tucson with her new baby boy - you're so sweet to take a child! And Tracy - it will be so neat to catch up with you because of this project. :)

This has been a wonderful, powerful way to serve this Christmas and keep my kids remembering others. Little Caidgen donated almost all his remote controlled cars and many other toys. Ami - well, she tried! It's made me focus on something positive every day. I think that my son watches his little family down here with a smile because those in heaven know how important it is to be connected to humanity.

I've loved getting to know people better because of this. What would I do without you, Jeni and Barb? I would be a flop (doing things like giving a boy a girl's sweater!)

Since I've Been Gone

2008-12-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since i posted. Here, in random order is what I've been up to --

We took the training wheels off Ami's bigger bike. She learned to ride on the small one but it was hard to pedal fast enough not to fall. Now she's flyin' down the street on her big bike!

I painted my nasty garage with the kids. Their "help" was a little scary! But I LOVE the 2 solid walls. (That's right, only 2 - ran out of paint!)

Happy Thanksgiving, from my little pilgrims!

I nursed my half paralized dog for a week...she was bit by a black widow and wasn't doing so hot. It's so great to have her back to normal!

I FINALLY took Caidgen's oversized, tattered douvet cover and sewed it into a twin size.

My straight line is getting straighter!

Blue and I celebrated his friend Paul's birthday with fresh lobster flown in from Maine. I was a little bit freaking out with they put the live little guys in the boiling water.

I'm so glad for the experience. It was really fun. And Paul is the greatest guy - so unique and funny.

I never could have done that on my own-- I'm glad he orchestrated the evening.

We went to the zoo for Blue's work picnic. No one told me it was Pregnant Lady Day...

In consolation, we "pet" sting rays - so cool!!!

And my favorite little guys - the otters were showing off for us.

And of course the spider monkeys are SOOO sweet--

--or not!

"Family Give Away" Donations

2008-11-17T20:47:00.001-08:00

These pictures really don't do justice to our donation last Friday to the Tempe School for homeless kids. My car was FILLED with really nice used clothes, donated by me, Janyce Harris, Jamie Lucas and Krista Breinholt. Kari Stock pitched in quite a few diapers to top it all off. My HUGE hugs and thanks to you, ladies! I was in awe of your generosity. It was neat to see your unique personalities as I sorted through the donations. Like when I came across the new Converse shoes in Jamie's bags: I can just see your kids running around at the Haught's in their cute Tilly's style clothing and Converse shoes! Those shoes are going to make great gifts for the Kindergartners, BTW. And the hair bows - how cute will it be to tie them to the outside of the wrapped Christmas gifts? Boys will get a hot wheels car tied to their gift so no one is left out. :)

Back to the pics - I made the mistake of not photographing all the donations until I got there. It was a challenge to get some snap shots to show you all without making a fool of myself. I didn't want to come across as some self righteous Scottsdale looking girl photographing her good works! Or worse, exploiting the kids. So when the amazing, sweet, tiny little figure of a lady, Sylvia, was out of sight I'd grab the camera and take a quick shot! What a dork.

She was so grateful. Really excited about everything. When I made sure diapers were appropriate she nodded emphatically and told me they have "lots of mammas," at the school.

I took everything around the side of the school to a designated spot for donations. Sylvia and I took the 20 something bags into a relatively small room - her room. She's got everything in there organized - boys and girls clothes ranging in size for Kindergartners all the way to adults. I was very impressed with the wall of sliding shelves that are photographed above.

I dropped off the stuff on Friday afternoon. Saturday morning Sylvia told me she would lay it all out on tables just outside her door. Families would bring their own bags and "shop" for whatever they needed. She estimated that we gave at least $600.00 worth of stuff.

So thank you!

The Christmas Donations for the Kindergarten class will be even better. :)